Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

Relationships are one of the most significant aspects of human life, but perhaps less understood and cared for. Understanding relationships, particularly noticing unhealthy signs in a relationship, and eliminating them can enhance the quality and contentment of one’s relationships and life. Some signs of an unhealthy relationship are intensity, isolation, extreme jealousy, belittling, and volatility. Such unhealthy markers can creep into relationships with friends, partners, lovers, siblings, children, and others. This article will reflect on unhealthy signs of intensity in a relationship. 

           What is intensity in a relationship? Generally, a relationship begins with liking and excitement and develops into passion, care, and commitment, which is healthy. Katie Hood, the CEO of One Love Foundation, says that in some relationships, the excitement leads to an intensity that is overwhelming and even suffocating.[1] You can feel the suffocation deep within and get overwhelmed by the demands and expressions of the other person. Find an example[2] of healthy and unhealthy intensity below.

Rahul: “I haven’t seen you in a couple of days. I missed you.”

              Riya: “Oh, I missed you too.”

              This is love. This is healthy.

              Rahul: “I haven’t seen you the whole day. It feels like a lifetime. What have you been doing without me for the whole day?”

              Riya: “We spoke just this morning.”

              This is not love. This is unhealthy. 

Pay attention to what you feel in your relationship, particularly when you begin or are in a post-honeymoon period. Hood shares some red flags of unhealthy intensity. She says:

·       When your new friend starts to outpour with expressions of (seeming) love and material gifts despite you not being ready for them. 

·       When someone starts showing up everywhere and calls and texts you nonstop. 

·       When your friend is impatient and angry because you could not pick up their call or delayed responding even when they know that you are busy that day.[3]  

It is important to know whether you are comfortable with the pace of intimacy in a relationship. If you do not have space even to breathe, then you are probably a victim of intensity in your relationship. Speak to the person and express your concerns. 

You can nip toxic intensity in the bud and bring dignity and freedom to your relationships.

 

John Baptist OFM Cap. | Clinical Counselor & Psychospiritual Resource Person | Pennsylvania, USA

 

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[1] Katie Hood, The Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Love

[2] Katie Hood, The Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Love

[3] Katie Hood, The Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Love

Invest in Hope Narrative

            Experiences of pain, conflict, and failure are not uncommon for humans. Sometimes, we can give up hope and start believing that pessimism and darkness are our only destiny. The more we assume that nothing is going to improve and that what awaits us is solely frustration, rejection, and failure, the more our lives become miserable, in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Therefore, we must invest in narratives of hope[1], particularly when situations seem dark and dismal. 

           What is the investing in hope narrative? Investing in hope narrative means that we choose to look forward that our stories, which are perhaps depressing and hopeless now, will have bright and graceful outcomes and endings. We do not have to imagine the worst outcome when faced with painful and adverse situations. We can think, courageously and creatively, how our hopeless situations can turn into blessings, priceless lessons, and means of growth. The more our stories have narratives of hope, the more calmly and courageously we can face what lies in front of us. The narrative of hope offers direction and fuel for our stories to move forward toward desired and hopeful completions. The lack of hope narrative can make us apathetic, cold, stuck, and resigned to despairing and excruciating situations because we can lose sight of why and where we should be moving. Whereas, knowing what miracles and joy can happen to us, empowers us to make every effort to move out of the depressing situation; even when nothing seems to improve, we can wait with patience for life to unfold.  

           A seed fallen into the soil, pressed down by weight, and without any light, knows that the current seemingly hopeless and soul-splitting situation will change. This narrative of hope empowers a seed to courageously face, and even embrace the pressure, darkness, and particularly the breaking of itself. The seed knows, in the core of its being, that there will be a time when it will transform into a mighty lush green tree, full of flowers, fruits, and medicine. 

           In situations which are dark and dismal, it can be hard to be hopeful, however it is these situations that necessitate the narrative of hope. Can we invest in narratives of hope?

 

John Baptist OFM Cap. | Clinical Counselor & Psychospiritual Resource Person | Pensylvania, USA

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[1] Wajahat Ali, 3 Lessons on Hope in Changing Times

Joy Bites

            Life is beautiful but also can be hard, and harder for some others. Many unexpended, painful events and situations can disturb the serenity and progress of life. Events such as relationship severance or conflict, fatal or terminal illness, suspension and being laid off from a job, getting stuck in life, and death can be devastating and depressing. If the adverse situation happens recurrently or continues for a longer time then it can seem hopeless and dark all the time. It is in such rough and hopeless times that we can remind ourselves of the importance of joy bites. 

           Our whole day may not be awesome and all good yet, there can be little moments and small things that bring us joy. We need to learn to catch every passing moment of joy and choose to engage in activities that bring us solace and happiness. Wajahat Ali suggests that we need to “invest in joy”[1] every day. Choosing to have joy bites every day is a discipline, such as going for a walk daily, that requires dedication and practice. We deserve to have moments of joy, even if they are fleeing, every day that you are alive. And we have to take those moments, grab them, and seize them.[2] If things are not going the way we want does not mean that we need to ignore the little things available to us that can make us happy. No matter how stressed or in pain we are, we can make a choice to have joy bites. 

Joy bites can come from things, people, and experiences that bring us delight and happiness. For some their joy bite might be having a cup of tea, for others talking to a friend, and still for some others spending time in silence and meditation. Every joy bite is important, however small it might be. Repeated practice of joy bites creates for us a soothing, refreshing, and life-saving oasis in the dry and scorching desert of life. We can build an oasis of joy for ourselves, if not an ocean, and know that it is priceless to have an oasis in a desert. 

           So, what is your joy bite?

 

Notes

[1] Wajahat Ali, 3 Lessons on Hope in Changing Times

[2] Wajahat Ali, 3 Lessons on Hope in Changing Times

 

John Baptist OFM Cap. | Clinical Counselor & Psychospiritual Resource Person | York, PA, USA

Hope — Tie Your Camel First

Hope empowers individuals to face tough times with courage and grace. Often suffering individuals can draw inner strength not only from their human resilience but also from the Divine. Hope in God’s support can help us move ahead when a problem seems to have no solution and a situation appears impossible. 

Trusting in the redemptive power of God in our lives is needed, but at times we can start putting everything on the shoulders of God — thinking that God will come down and magically solve our problems without requiring us to do anything. Though God is gracious and helps us in our troubles, it does not follow that God wants us to become apathetic and inactive. 

Listen to this famous story: 

A disciple came riding on his camel to the tent of his Sufi Master. He dismounted and walked right into the tent, bowed low and said, “So great is my trust in God that I have left my camel outside untied, convinced that God protects the interests of those who love him.” 

“Go tie your camel, you fool!” said the Master. God cannot be bothered doing for you what you are perfectly capable of doing for yourself.”[1]

It is good to trust in God, but we need to tie our camel first.[2] We need to do our part to the best of our ability, and then the rest should be submitted to God’s care. 

Often, when we face painful and devastating situations, we can become stuck and hopeless. Persistent despair and hopelessness can damage us from the inside and decay our spirit of initiative and enthusiasm. In moments of hopelessness, everything can seem dark and gloomy, and we can lose a sense of agency, what we can still do. 

In dark and hopeless moments, we may expect God to wave a magic wand to replace our ill-fated situations or we might fall into the trap of pessimism and depression, believing that no healing and happiness are possible. Neither of the above is a healthy approach and each can make us linger in our misery. Tying our camel first — doing what is in our capacity — is essential to overcome our hopelessness. 

Some doors only open when we walk toward them, staring at them from afar, they remain closed. Every tiny step we take matters, and perhaps that is the only thing we can do in certain unbending and baffling situations. Whatever we can do, however little, can help us open ourselves to the floodgates of God’s grace and miracles in our lives. Sometimes, God requires just a little from us to transform our misery and devastation into joy and new life.[3]

Hope requires that we start taking the tiny steps within our capacity and entrust the rest to the mighty providence of God. 

 

John Baptist OFM Cap.

Clinical Counselor & Psychospiritual Resource Person

York, PA, USA

Notes

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[1] Anthony de Mello, SJ, The Prayer of the Frog

[2] Wajahat Ali, 3 Lessons on Hope in Changing Times

[3] The miracle of Feeding the Five Thousand, Mt 14: 13-21