The Snake, the Rat, and the Stories We Tell Ourselves

 

A snake and a rat once argued about which of them was more frightening to human beings.

“I am more frightening,” said the snake. “People fear my bite because they know my venom can kill.”

The rat disagreed. “It is not always the bite that frightens people. It is what they believe has happened to them.”

To settle their argument, they decided to test their claims. While a man slept under a tree, the rat quietly bit his heel. The man did not wake up and continued sleeping peacefully. The snake then passed by. When the man woke up, he noticed the snake and saw the bite on his heel. He assumed that the snake had bitten him. Overcome by fear, he collapsed.

The story invites us to reflect on how the meaning we give to an experience can influence our response to it.

The World Outside and the World Within

Geoffrey Cohen writes, “Although situations are ‘out there’ in front of our eyes, they are experienced behind our eyes” (Belonging, p. 36). The world exists outside us, but we experience it through our perceptions, beliefs, expectations, and emotions. Two people may face the same situation and respond very differently because they interpret it differently.

When Fear Shapes Our Experience

When we are afraid, uncertainty can quickly turn into a frightening conclusion. A delayed response to a message may feel like rejection. A small mistake may seem like a personal failure. An unexpected physical sensation may lead us to imagine the worst.

Psychologists call one such pattern catastrophic thinking: imagining the worst possible outcome and treating it as though it were likely to happen. Such interpretations can intensify emotional distress and activate the body's stress response.

This does not mean that every danger is imaginary or that fear alone explains a person's physical condition. Rather, it reminds us that our interpretation of events can influence how we experience them.

A Moment to Pause

When something upsets us, we can pause and ask ourselves: What has actually happened? What am I assuming? Could there be another explanation? We cannot always change the circumstances we face, but we can learn to examine the meanings we give them. Sometimes, a little space between an event and our interpretation can help us respond with greater clarity, balance, and freedom.

Perhaps the question is not only, “What is happening to me?” but also, “How am I understanding what is happening to me?”

Notes

Cohen, G. L. (2022). Belonging: The science of creating connection and bridging divides. W. W. Norton & Company.

The story of “The Snake and the Rat” is adapted from Tsadra Foundation. (n.d.). Texts/Bodhicaryāvatāra/Verses/9.23. Bodhicitta. Retrieved October 13, 2026, from https://bodhicitta.tsadra.org/index.php/Texts/Bodhicary%C4%81vat%C4%81ra/Verses/9.23

 

The Three Ts of Changing Hearts

 

We often find ourselves living with people or in situations that are unhealthy, difficult, or undesirable. We may wonder whether things can ever change for the better. Change is rarely easy, but it is possible. Meaningful social change is not simply about giving people the right information; it is about understanding people, recognizing their potential, and reaching them at the right moment. Psychologist Geoffrey Cohen highlights three principles that can help make change more effective: Tailoring, Targeting, and Timeliness. Spiritual wisdom deepens our understanding of each.

1. Tailoring: Begin with Understanding

Psychology suggests that messages are more effective when they speak to people's psychological needs, experiences, and concerns. A message that resonates with one person may not connect with another. Understanding people's perspectives helps us communicate in ways that feel relevant rather than imposed.

Buddhist wisdom offers a complementary insight through mindful listening. When we listen deeply without rushing to judge, advise, or correct, we begin to understand another person's world. Before asking, “What should I say?” we might ask, “What do I need to understand about this person?” Compassionate listening helps us discover the message that truly matters.

2. Targeting: See the Person, Not Just the Problem

Psychology reminds us that effective change efforts must reach the people for whom a particular message is relevant. People's beliefs, social identities, and circumstances influence how they respond to new ideas. Understanding these differences helps us avoid a one-size-fits-all approach.

Christian wisdom invites us to look beyond labels, mistakes, and social status. Jesus' encounter with Zacchaeus (Luke 19:1–10) illustrates how a personal encounter can open the door to transformation. Rather than reducing people to their past, we can recognize their dignity and potential for growth. We become agents of meaningful change when we see people not merely as problems to be solved but as persons capable of transformation.

3. Timeliness: Respect the Rhythm of Growth

Even a valuable message may fall flat when someone feels threatened, overwhelmed, or unprepared to receive it. The right message, offered at the right moment, can become a turning point.

Taoist wisdom reminds us that growth cannot be forced. A seed needs the right conditions, nourishment, and time to grow. Human transformation is similar. Our task is not to control another person's journey but to create conditions that make growth possible. Sometimes, patience and presence accomplish more than persuasion.

Bringing It All Together

The three Ts remind us that changing hearts requires more than persuasive words. It calls for the wisdom to understand people, the compassion to recognize their potential, and the patience to respect their readiness. When psychology meets spiritual wisdom, social change becomes more than an effort to change behavior; it becomes an opportunity to nurture human growth and wholeness.

 

Notes

Cohen, G. L., Garcia, J., & Goyer, J. P. (2017). Turning point: Targeted, tailored, and timely     psychological intervention. In A. J. Elliot, C. S. Dweck, & D. S. Yeager (Eds.), Handbook of     competence and motivation: Theory and application (2nd ed., pp. 657–686). Guilford Press.

Hanh, T. N. (2001). Anger: Wisdom for cooling the flames. Riverhead Books.

Lao Tzu. (2009). Tao Te Ching (S. Mitchell, Trans.). Harper Perennial Modern Classics.            (Original work published circa the 6th century BCE)

Intimacy: The Courage to Be Equal

 

Intimacy happens between equals. When partners are not equal, fear and submission take over. As Richard Rohr observes, “It is almost impossible to fall in love with majesty, power, or perfection.” Those qualities turn us into servants, admirers, or devotees but seldom into true lovers. Psychologists Jean Baker Miller and Judith Jordan explain why: genuine closeness requires the courage to stand side by side, sharing power with one another rather than holding power over one another. When someone stands above us, we instinctively protect ourselves—hiding our true feelings and trying to please rather than truly connecting. We simply cannot open our hearts while we are afraid.

The end goal of intimacy is not servitude, but falling in love. Perhaps this is why Christianity teaches that God became human in Jesus—one among us and equal to us. Had God remained on a distant throne of majesty and power, we might have obeyed out of fear, but we could never have fallen in love. By becoming human, God had the courage to step down and meet us at eye level. Jesus named this shift in the Gospel of John (15:15), telling his disciples he no longer called them servants, because a servant does not know the master’s heart. Instead, he called them friends, openly sharing with them everything from the Father’s heart.

St. Francis of Assisi understood this deep secret: true intimacy requires lowering oneself to the level of the other. He chose a life rooted in poverty so he could see the face of Jesus in the least, such as lepers and the marginalized. For Francis, poverty was not ugly or merely a sacrifice to please God; she was a lady more beautiful than others, whom he decided to marry. By choosing poverty, Francis lowered himself to the level of the naked Jesus hanging on the cross. Relating as an equal, he deeply loved God, others, and all creation—welcoming the sun, moon, stars, water, and trees as his brothers and sisters.

All people long for intimacy, the ultimate union, even when we are not seeking it consciously. Having the courage to become vulnerable, not powerful; simple, not majestic; and human, not perfectionist, is the key to cultivating true intimacy with friends, partners, and God.

Notes

Jordan, J. V. (2018). Relational–cultural therapy (2nd ed.). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000063-000

Miller, J. B., & Stiver, I. P. (1997). The healing connection: How women form relationships in therapy and in life. Beacon Press.

Rohr, R. (2013). Immortal diamond: The search for our true self. Jossey-Bass.

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Intimacy: The Narrow Path to God

The path leading to a deep, transformative connection with others, creation, and God is narrow. Franciscan friar Richard Rohr defines intimacy as our capacity for closeness and tenderness, revealed through moments of risky self-disclosure. True intimacy self-empties us, lowering our defenses to make space for the other in the way they deserve.

In marital relationships, intimacy includes physical union—standing naked before another while feeling completely safe, comfortable, and loved. Yet becoming naked in another’s presence is not limited to the body; its deepest terrain is the inner life. To genuinely connect with any person, creation, or God, we must expose the parts of ourselves we usually hide—our faults, limitations, and unhealed shadows.

Self-disclosure is always terrifying because we never know whether exposing our true self will invite acceptance or rejection. To protect ourselves from that pain, we
often hide behind what psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott called the False Self—a curated, polished mask designed to keep us safe from judgment. Yet this emotional armor carries a devastating psychological catch: even when others admire and accept our mask, we still feel profoundly lonely. Deep down, we know they are only loving a performance, not us. Without the courage to reveal our inner life, our relationships remain peripheral, drained of genuine meaning and joy.

While we must be prudent in choosing who is trustworthy enough to hold our vulnerability, avoiding the risk of self-disclosure altogether leaves us strangers to our own souls. As Rohr observes, “People who have avoided all intimacy normally do not know who they are at any depth—and cannot tell others who they are.”

Ultimately, Rohr reminds us that vulnerable intimacy is the entrance to all human and divine love. We cannot bypass human connection to reach spiritual depth. As St. John writes, "Whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen" (1 John 4:20). Only when we drop the mask and risk being fully seen can we experience the liberating grace of being fully loved—both by one another and by God.

For Reflection: What is one hidden truth of your heart you can risk sharing with a trusted person or God today? 

Notes

Rohr, R. (2013). Immortal diamond: The search for our true self. Jossey-Bass.

Winnicott, D. W. (1965). Ego distortion in terms of true and false self. In The maturational processes and the facilitating environment: Studies in the theory of emotional development (pp. 140–152). International Universities Press. (Original work published 1960)

             

Visualization: The Power of Seeing Within

 

People who are successful as well as contented know who they are and what they want in life. Knowing and doing what one wants invariably requires that one is able to visualize the goal, act, or state. That is why great leaders are often visionaries: they visualize the future much before it is present and work toward it. While vision can indicate something huge, visualization can refer to small, daily, but important aspects of life. Visualization is powerful; it can keep our focus right and double the fuel to achieve what we need to.

Visualization, in simple words, is practicing or seeing within oneself what one wants to do or being in a particular state. It is like seeing a dream, but consciously. Many people who use visualization in their meditation practice find it powerful. LeAnn Thieman writes about the power of visualization and offers an example. A basketball team was divided into two halves. One group practiced one hour daily shooting free throws. The other group visualized shooting free throws for one hour daily. Surprisingly, they both performed equally. This is the power of visualization. However, we need to be conscious that we do not replace the effort required to achieve something, but rather supplement our efforts with visualization and see the visible difference in the outcome.

There is also a deeper dimension to visualization. What we repeatedly place before the eyes of our mind can influence what we begin to notice in our daily lives. Thomas Merton, through his contemplative spirituality, reminds us of the importance of learning to see beneath the surface of ordinary life. Perhaps, therefore, visualization is not only about seeing the future we desire but also about learning to see within and seeing the present differently.

In prayer, we can visualize ourselves responding to a difficult person with patience, approaching suffering with compassion, or facing a difficult situation with courage. When we repeatedly contemplate qualities such as compassion, forgiveness, courage, and the presence of God, we may become more attentive to opportunities to embody them in everyday life. Thus, visualization can become not merely a tool for achievement but a practice of transformation.

Perhaps the greatest power of visualization is not simply seeing what we want to become, but seeing within ourselves the person we are capable of becoming.

Notes

Merton, T. (1961). New seeds of contemplation. New Directions.

Thieman, L. (2008). SelfCare for HealthCare: Your guide to physical, mental, and spiritual health. SelfCare for HealthCare.

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A Soul-full Life

 

We can live our lives in ignorance and pilot mode. We can distract ourselves from what truly matters and who we truly are. Living a disconnected life with self can lead to continuous restlessness and a lack of meaning and contentment in life. To live an authentic and meaningful life, one needs to connect with the soul and live by the soul.

How does one live by the soul?

Byron Brown, a spiritual teacher, tells us that one cannot be aware of the soul unless one is present to one’s own experience, unless one knows reality as it exists right now. Being present to one’s experience in the here and now becomes a window to the soul and to living an authentic and soulful life.

The task, however, is not easy. Past guilt and future worries can take over our capacity to be fully present. Sometimes, our inability to be present is not simply a lack of attention. We may avoid the present because being present brings us face to face with feelings, memories, fears, or questions we would rather not encounter. Psychology refers to this tendency as experiential avoidance—our attempt to escape, suppress, or control uncomfortable inner experiences. We may keep ourselves busy, distract ourselves, or constantly think about the past or future because the present moment asks us to encounter ourselves honestly.

Brown reminds us, “Presence is to the soul what wetness is to water… However, if you only look at water or only touch it with rubber gloves, you may not know that water is wet.” So it can be true of many of us that we may live our lives without really connecting with or feeling our soul.

Perhaps, then, living a soul-full life begins with the courage to stop running from our own experience. It invites us to become still, to notice what is happening within us, and to remain present even when what we encounter is uncomfortable. In that presence, we may begin to hear the deeper voice of the soul and discover what truly gives our life meaning.

Notes

Brown, B. (1999). Soul without shame: A guide to liberating yourself from the judge within. Anchor Books.

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

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A Soul-full Life.”

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The Storm May Not Change, But We Can

Kahlil Gibran wrote, “We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.” Gibran understood the power of our thinking in shaping our experiences and, to some extent, our future. We develop expectations about what will make us happy or sad, successful or unsuccessful. In this sense, our attitude is often formed before the experience itself.

A negative and hopeless attitude can make life heavier and more painful. A hopeful attitude, on the other hand, can open us to joy, resilience, and well-being.

Viktor Frankl, the Jewish psychiatrist who survived the concentration camps of the Holocaust, emphasized one of the deepest forms of human freedom: the freedom to choose our attitude even when we cannot choose our circumstances. We may not be able to change everything that happens to us, but we can choose how we respond.

Richard Rohr takes this insight deeper. For Rohr, spiritual transformation involves learning to see differently. We often see life through the narrow lens of our fears, disappointments, expectations, and judgments. Contemplation invites us to step back and see with a wider and deeper perspective. The circumstances may not change, but our way of seeing them can change—and that can transform our relationship with them.

Rohr also reminds us that transformation does not mean escaping the difficult parts of life. Sometimes our struggles, disappointments, and suffering can become places of awakening. When we stop resisting every painful experience and begin to approach it with awareness and openness, we may discover wisdom, compassion, and grace where we least expected them.

Life will bring storms—loss, disappointment, uncertainty, rejection, and failure. We cannot always stop the storm. But we can choose how we remain in the storm.

We can ask ourselves:

How will I choose to meet this moment? Will I respond with fear or trust, resentment or acceptance, hopelessness or hope? Our attitude does not change every circumstance. But it can change the way we live through the circumstance.

The storm may not change. But we can.

And sometimes, when we change the way we see, we discover that even the storm can become a place of growth, transformation, and deeper awareness.

Notes

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man's search for meaning. Beacon Press. (Original work published 1946)

Gibran, K. (1923). The Prophet. Alfred A. Knopf.

Rohr, R. (1997). On Transformation. Franciscan Media.

Rohr, R. (2017). Just This: Prompts and Practices for Contemplation. Center for Action and Contemplation.

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