Invisible but Not Disconnected

Death changes the way we experience a relationship, but it does not necessarily bring the relationship to an end. When someone dear to us dies, their physical presence disappears from our everyday lives. We can no longer see them, hear their voices, share a meal, or reach out to them. Yet, something of the relationship continues, sometimes in ways we may not have anticipated.

Psychologist Dennis Klass and his colleagues, in their book Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, challenge the idea that healthy grieving requires us to detach emotionally from those who have died. They suggest that we can maintain an ongoing relationship with our deceased loved ones while continuing to live meaningful lives. We carry them through memories, inner conversations, cherished traditions, and the values they instilled in us. We may still find ourselves wondering what they would say in a particular situation or how they might guide us through a difficult decision. Their physical absence does not necessarily mean emotional disconnection.

Spiritual writer Ronald Rolheiser offers another dimension to this experience through the Christian understanding of the Communion of Saints. Death does not destroy the bonds of love that unite us. Those who have died are not merely people we remember; in the mystery of faith, they remain alive in God. Our relationship with them enters a different dimension, one that goes beyond physical presence.

Perhaps this is why, sometimes, we experience the influence of our departed loved ones even more deeply after their death. Their words become our inner wisdom, their courage strengthens us, and their values continue to shape our choices. Their love finds expression through the way we live and the way we care for others.

On All Souls' Day, we remember those who have gone before us. We acknowledge the pain of their absence while celebrating the enduring bonds of love that death cannot erase. We may no longer walk beside them physically, but their lives continue to accompany ours.

They are invisible, but not disconnected.

Notes

Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (Eds.). (1996). Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Taylor & Francis.

Rolheiser, R. (2004). Against an Infinite Horizon: The Finger of God in Our Everyday Lives. Crossroad. 

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Three Noises That Keep Us from Stillness

“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).

Stillness sounds simple, yet it is becoming increasingly difficult to practice. We live in a world filled with noise. Beyond the sounds we hear, there are words and images that constantly occupy our attention, and thoughts that keep moving within us. We can identify three kinds of noise that make stillness difficult.

1. External noise

These are the sounds and voices we hear: parties, television, programs, music, conversations, and the constant activity around us. Our lifestyles and surroundings often leave us with very little time for quiet. Even when we are alone, we may instinctively turn on the television or play music rather than remain in silence.

2. Visible noise

These are the words and images we read and see throughout the day. News, social media, messages, videos, and endless online content fill our attention, sometimes even late into the night. Psychologist Gloria Mark's research on digital media and interruptions highlights how frequent shifts in attention can fragment our ability to concentrate. We may consume enormous amounts of information without giving ourselves time to reflect on what truly matters.

3. Internal noise

This is the continuous stream of thoughts running through our minds: worries about tomorrow, regrets about yesterday, unfinished conversations, fears, expectations, and imagined scenarios. Among the three, this may be the most difficult noise to quiet. External noise can be switched off, and visible noise can be put aside. But our thoughts have no volume button. Even in complete silence, our minds can remain restless.

These noises can gradually distance us from ourselves. They leave little room to recognize what we truly desire, what gives meaning to our lives, and what God might be inviting us to embrace.

Psychologist Stephen Kaplan's research on attention restoration suggests that our mental resources need opportunities to recover from the constant demands of everyday life. Research on mindfulness also suggests that present-moment awareness can help us relate differently to repetitive and anxious thinking.

Perhaps we can begin with small, intentional choices. Reduce one source of external noise. Set aside some time each day without screens, news, or unnecessary information. More importantly, make room for contemplation. Rather than fighting every thought, gently acknowledge it and return to the present moment.

Stillness is not merely the absence of noise; it is the presence of attentiveness. When we create space within ourselves, we become more receptive to our deepest longings, the needs of others, and the quiet presence of God.

Perhaps the invitation is not to hear more, but to become quiet enough to listen.

Notes

Blanke, E. S., Schmidt, M. J., Riediger, M., & Brose, A. (2020). Thinking mindfully: How mindfulness relates to rumination and reflection in daily life. Emotion, 20(8), 1369–1381. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000659

Kaplan, S. (2001). Meditation, restoration, and the management of mental fatigue. Environment and Behavior, 33(4), 480–506. https://doi.org/10.1177/00139160121973106

Mark, G. (2023). Attention span: A groundbreaking way to restore balance, happiness and productivity. Hanover Square Press.

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The Dark Side of Wanting to Be Somebody

Ernest Becker, in his book The Denial of Death, suggests that much human evil does not arise simply from our animal instincts or innate selfishness. Rather, it may grow out of our need to maintain self-esteem, deny our mortality, and construct a heroic image of ourselves.

We all want to feel that our lives matter. We want to be valued, respected, and remembered. These are natural human desires. But what happens when our sense of worth depends on being better, stronger, or more important than others?

When our identity feels threatened, we may defend it by putting others down, asserting control, or refusing to acknowledge our mistakes. Sometimes, our judgment of others may reveal less about their shortcomings than about our own struggle to feel adequate. The need to protect our self-image can become so powerful that we hurt others to preserve it.

Interestingly, this insight resonates with several spiritual traditions. In Christianity, St. Augustine understood pride as a fundamental source of sin. Pride, in this sense, is not simply appreciating our gifts but placing ourselves at the center and seeking greatness at the expense of others. The humility of Christ, presented in Philippians 2:5–8, offers a different vision of greatness: one expressed through self-giving love rather than power or superiority.

Buddhism offers another perspective. Its teaching on impermanence reminds us that everything changes, including our status, achievements, and identities. Yet we often cling tightly to the image we have created of ourselves. When that image is challenged, we may experience it as a threat rather than an opportunity for growth.

Both perspectives invite us to loosen our grip on the self we feel compelled to defend. Perhaps the problem is not that we want our lives to matter, but that we sometimes try to establish our worth by making others feel smaller. We seek security through superiority rather than discovering that we can be valuable without being better than someone else.

This does not explain every form of evil, nor does understanding harmful behavior excuse it. But it invites us to look beneath our anger, judgment, and need for control.

Perhaps true greatness begins when we no longer need to be greater than anyone else.

Notes

Augustine. (n.d.). The City of God (Book XIV, Chapter 14). New Advent. https://www.newadvent.org/fathers/120114.htm

Becker, E. (1973). The denial of death. Free Press. 

Bodhi, B. (Trans.). (2000). The connected discourses of the Buddha: A translation of the Saṃyutta Nikāya. Wisdom Publications.

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The Snake, the Rat, and the Stories We Tell Ourselves

 

A snake and a rat once argued about which of them was more frightening to human beings.

“I am more frightening,” said the snake. “People fear my bite because they know my venom can kill.”

The rat disagreed. “It is not always the bite that frightens people. It is what they believe has happened to them.”

To settle their argument, they decided to test their claims. While a man slept under a tree, the rat quietly bit his heel. The man did not wake up and continued sleeping peacefully. The snake then passed by. When the man woke up, he noticed the snake and saw the bite on his heel. He assumed that the snake had bitten him. Overcome by fear, he collapsed.

The story invites us to reflect on how the meaning we give to an experience can influence our response to it.

The World Outside and the World Within

Geoffrey Cohen writes, “Although situations are ‘out there’ in front of our eyes, they are experienced behind our eyes” (Belonging, p. 36). The world exists outside us, but we experience it through our perceptions, beliefs, expectations, and emotions. Two people may face the same situation and respond very differently because they interpret it differently.

When Fear Shapes Our Experience

When we are afraid, uncertainty can quickly turn into a frightening conclusion. A delayed response to a message may feel like rejection. A small mistake may seem like a personal failure. An unexpected physical sensation may lead us to imagine the worst.

Psychologists call one such pattern catastrophic thinking: imagining the worst possible outcome and treating it as though it were likely to happen. Such interpretations can intensify emotional distress and activate the body's stress response.

This does not mean that every danger is imaginary or that fear alone explains a person's physical condition. Rather, it reminds us that our interpretation of events can influence how we experience them.

A Moment to Pause

When something upsets us, we can pause and ask ourselves: What has actually happened? What am I assuming? Could there be another explanation? We cannot always change the circumstances we face, but we can learn to examine the meanings we give them. Sometimes, a little space between an event and our interpretation can help us respond with greater clarity, balance, and freedom.

Perhaps the question is not only, “What is happening to me?” but also, “How am I understanding what is happening to me?”

Notes

Cohen, G. L. (2022). Belonging: The science of creating connection and bridging divides. W. W. Norton & Company.

The story of “The Snake and the Rat” is adapted from Tsadra Foundation. (n.d.). Texts/Bodhicaryāvatāra/Verses/9.23. Bodhicitta. Retrieved October 13, 2026, from https://bodhicitta.tsadra.org/index.php/Texts/Bodhicary%C4%81vat%C4%81ra/Verses/9.23

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The Three Ts of Changing Hearts

 

We often find ourselves living with people or in situations that are unhealthy, difficult, or undesirable. We may wonder whether things can ever change for the better. Change is rarely easy, but it is possible. Meaningful social change is not simply about giving people the right information; it is about understanding people, recognizing their potential, and reaching them at the right moment. Psychologist Geoffrey Cohen highlights three principles that can help make change more effective: Tailoring, Targeting, and Timeliness. Spiritual wisdom deepens our understanding of each.

1. Tailoring: Begin with Understanding

Psychology suggests that messages are more effective when they speak to people's psychological needs, experiences, and concerns. A message that resonates with one person may not connect with another. Understanding people's perspectives helps us communicate in ways that feel relevant rather than imposed.

Buddhist wisdom offers a complementary insight through mindful listening. When we listen deeply without rushing to judge, advise, or correct, we begin to understand another person's world. Before asking, “What should I say?” we might ask, “What do I need to understand about this person?” Compassionate listening helps us discover the message that truly matters.

2. Targeting: See the Person, Not Just the Problem

Psychology reminds us that effective change efforts must reach the people for whom a particular message is relevant. People's beliefs, social identities, and circumstances influence how they respond to new ideas. Understanding these differences helps us avoid a one-size-fits-all approach.

Christian wisdom invites us to look beyond labels, mistakes, and social status. Jesus' encounter with Zacchaeus (Luke 19:1–10) illustrates how a personal encounter can open the door to transformation. Rather than reducing people to their past, we can recognize their dignity and potential for growth. We become agents of meaningful change when we see people not merely as problems to be solved but as persons capable of transformation.

3. Timeliness: Respect the Rhythm of Growth

Even a valuable message may fall flat when someone feels threatened, overwhelmed, or unprepared to receive it. The right message, offered at the right moment, can become a turning point.

Taoist wisdom reminds us that growth cannot be forced. A seed needs the right conditions, nourishment, and time to grow. Human transformation is similar. Our task is not to control another person's journey but to create conditions that make growth possible. Sometimes, patience and presence accomplish more than persuasion.

Bringing It All Together

The three Ts remind us that changing hearts requires more than persuasive words. It calls for the wisdom to understand people, the compassion to recognize their potential, and the patience to respect their readiness. When psychology meets spiritual wisdom, social change becomes more than an effort to change behavior; it becomes an opportunity to nurture human growth and wholeness.

 

Notes

Cohen, G. L., Garcia, J., & Goyer, J. P. (2017). Turning point: Targeted, tailored, and timely     psychological intervention. In A. J. Elliot, C. S. Dweck, & D. S. Yeager (Eds.), Handbook of     competence and motivation: Theory and application (2nd ed., pp. 657–686). Guilford Press.

Hanh, T. N. (2001). Anger: Wisdom for cooling the flames. Riverhead Books.

Lao Tzu. (2009). Tao Te Ching (S. Mitchell, Trans.). Harper Perennial Modern Classics.            (Original work published circa the 6th century BCE)

Intimacy: The Courage to Be Equal

 

Intimacy happens between equals. When partners are not equal, fear and submission take over. As Richard Rohr observes, “It is almost impossible to fall in love with majesty, power, or perfection.” Those qualities turn us into servants, admirers, or devotees but seldom into true lovers. Psychologists Jean Baker Miller and Judith Jordan explain why: genuine closeness requires the courage to stand side by side, sharing power with one another rather than holding power over one another. When someone stands above us, we instinctively protect ourselves—hiding our true feelings and trying to please rather than truly connecting. We simply cannot open our hearts while we are afraid.

The end goal of intimacy is not servitude, but falling in love. Perhaps this is why Christianity teaches that God became human in Jesus—one among us and equal to us. Had God remained on a distant throne of majesty and power, we might have obeyed out of fear, but we could never have fallen in love. By becoming human, God had the courage to step down and meet us at eye level. Jesus named this shift in the Gospel of John (15:15), telling his disciples he no longer called them servants, because a servant does not know the master’s heart. Instead, he called them friends, openly sharing with them everything from the Father’s heart.

St. Francis of Assisi understood this deep secret: true intimacy requires lowering oneself to the level of the other. He chose a life rooted in poverty so he could see the face of Jesus in the least, such as lepers and the marginalized. For Francis, poverty was not ugly or merely a sacrifice to please God; she was a lady more beautiful than others, whom he decided to marry. By choosing poverty, Francis lowered himself to the level of the naked Jesus hanging on the cross. Relating as an equal, he deeply loved God, others, and all creation—welcoming the sun, moon, stars, water, and trees as his brothers and sisters.

All people long for intimacy, the ultimate union, even when we are not seeking it consciously. Having the courage to become vulnerable, not powerful; simple, not majestic; and human, not perfectionist, is the key to cultivating true intimacy with friends, partners, and God.

Notes

Jordan, J. V. (2018). Relational–cultural therapy (2nd ed.). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000063-000

Miller, J. B., & Stiver, I. P. (1997). The healing connection: How women form relationships in therapy and in life. Beacon Press.

Rohr, R. (2013). Immortal diamond: The search for our true self. Jossey-Bass.

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Intimacy: The Narrow Path to God

The path leading to a deep, transformative connection with others, creation, and God is narrow. Franciscan friar Richard Rohr defines intimacy as our capacity for closeness and tenderness, revealed through moments of risky self-disclosure. True intimacy self-empties us, lowering our defenses to make space for the other in the way they deserve.

In marital relationships, intimacy includes physical union—standing naked before another while feeling completely safe, comfortable, and loved. Yet becoming naked in another’s presence is not limited to the body; its deepest terrain is the inner life. To genuinely connect with any person, creation, or God, we must expose the parts of ourselves we usually hide—our faults, limitations, and unhealed shadows.

Self-disclosure is always terrifying because we never know whether exposing our true self will invite acceptance or rejection. To protect ourselves from that pain, we
often hide behind what psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott called the False Self—a curated, polished mask designed to keep us safe from judgment. Yet this emotional armor carries a devastating psychological catch: even when others admire and accept our mask, we still feel profoundly lonely. Deep down, we know they are only loving a performance, not us. Without the courage to reveal our inner life, our relationships remain peripheral, drained of genuine meaning and joy.

While we must be prudent in choosing who is trustworthy enough to hold our vulnerability, avoiding the risk of self-disclosure altogether leaves us strangers to our own souls. As Rohr observes, “People who have avoided all intimacy normally do not know who they are at any depth—and cannot tell others who they are.”

Ultimately, Rohr reminds us that vulnerable intimacy is the entrance to all human and divine love. We cannot bypass human connection to reach spiritual depth. As St. John writes, "Whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen" (1 John 4:20). Only when we drop the mask and risk being fully seen can we experience the liberating grace of being fully loved—both by one another and by God.

For Reflection: What is one hidden truth of your heart you can risk sharing with a trusted person or God today? 

Notes

Rohr, R. (2013). Immortal diamond: The search for our true self. Jossey-Bass.

Winnicott, D. W. (1965). Ego distortion in terms of true and false self. In The maturational processes and the facilitating environment: Studies in the theory of emotional development (pp. 140–152). International Universities Press. (Original work published 1960)