Coping with Failed Relationship

Falling in love is a common experience for adults, unfortunately, failure, breakup, and divorce are also prevalent experiences. A relational breakup is a loss of a relationship, whether romantic or platonic. While the experience of the loss of a relationship is universal, people respond to it differently. The experience of losing a relationship can lead to feelings of emptiness, lack of purpose in life, frustration, guilt, or anger. The feelings of a breakup can be like those experienced during a life-threatening illness. While some individuals can take months to process their loss, others can take years and can still feel affected for longer.

People deal with the pain of failed relationships in diverse ways. One common way is by throwing themselves into their work. By focusing all their time and energy on their job, they can avoid the risk and pain associated with human connections. It is a way for them to protect themselves from getting hurt again. 

Focusing on work can make someone feel competent and valuable, both to themselves and to others. However, replacing relationships with work can have grave consequences. While it may provide temporary satisfaction and recognition, eventually, it can create a deep sense of emptiness, sadness, disconnection, and produce a huge deficit of joy.

Work is an important aspect of life, but it should not be used as a substitute for relationships. Even if we have experienced the pain of losing a relationship, we should not rely solely on work to cope with the grief. While relationships can sometimes cause hurt, they can also provide healing. It is crucial to remain open to the power of love and relationships and to connect with people who can help us heal from past relational wounds. Doing so can bring new vitality, joy, and meaning to our lives.

 

Spirituality from Below

Spirituality as a path to find God is important to many people. Anselm Grün, a German Benedictine monk and author of around 300 books, offers deep insights on spirituality. In his book, Heaven Begins Within You: Wisdom from the Desert Fathers, the monk discusses two types of spirituality: spirituality from above and spirituality from below. Spirituality from above takes the form of moralized theology and operates from the top down. The monk says that the spirituality from above presents high ideals that we are supposed to translate into reality. Some typical ideals of spirituality from above are selfless love, self-control, freedom from anger, and mastery of sexual desire.[1] 

Often, spirituality from above can fail and lead one to inner division. The monk says, “We identify so intensely with our ideals that we repress our own weak points and limits because they clash with the ideal. That leads to inner division.”[2] The inner conflict created by the gap between the ideal and the reality leads one to cover up the shadow side and project it onto others. One often becomes hard against others. 

People following the spirituality from above can be very pious but may remain untransformed by their prayer. Some pious individuals take flight from their own reality into religion. They simply use piety and religion to lift themselves over others to confirm their superiority.[3] In the long run, such a state can make people rigid, arrogant, ritualistic, lacking in self-awareness, brutal, and hard to live with. 

In place of spirituality from above, Grün, drawing from the wisdom of the desert fathers, proposes the spirituality from below. The spirituality from below invites us to begin with ourselves and our passions. Evagrius Ponticus (c. 346-399 AD), a prominent figure in early monasticism, spent the last 14 years of his life in the Egyptian desert and wrote extensively on prayer, contemplation, and overcoming vices. He said, “If you want to know God, learn to know yourself first!”[4] The way to God is through self-knowledge. “Without self-knowledge we are always in danger of having our ideas of God turn into mere projections.”[5]  

The spirituality from below is grounded in reality and starts with self-awareness and acceptance, rather than abstract and perfect ideals. Can we begin our way to God by daring to look internally at ourselves and our passions? 

[1] Gruen, A. (1999). Heaven begins within you. A Crossroad Book. 

[2] Gruen, A. (1999). Heaven begins within you.

[3] Gruen, A. (1999). Heaven begins within you.

[4] Evagrius Ponticus in Gruen, A. (1999). Heaven begins within you.

[5] Gruen, A. (1999). Heaven begins within you.

A Call to Belong

                        Loneliness and disconnection are recurring faces in our modern life. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) one in three adults aged forty-five and older feels lonely in the US.[1]   A sense of belonging in our lives is essential not only for our well-being but also for our survival. An experience of belonging relates to feeling accepted, included, understood, welcomed, liked, and appreciated.[2] Often, our experiences of feeling misunderstood and rejected become detrimental to our growth and happiness. 

Kelly-Ann Allen, a leading Australian researcher on belongingness, defines belongingness as “a unique and subjective experience that relates to a yearning for connection with others, the need for positive regard and the desire for interpersonal connection.”[3] Can we deny that we carry at the core of our being a longing to belong and to be valued? “Even though technology connects us now more than ever, it can also disconnect us from the people around us, leading to feelings of loneliness.”[4]  Unfortunately, many times our fundamental need to belong can remain unmet. Understanding the lack of belongingness, a sad reality of advanced modern life, the UK appointed its first Minister for Loneliness in 2018. We need to consciously take the initiative to connect and to belong, otherwise we can become victims of loneliness. 

            The sense of belongingness does not depend on the quantity of relationships we have but on the quality of relationships. We might exhibit to others the likes, followers, and friends we have on social media and pretend that we are happy and valued because of them. It is a misconception that more social networks and friends equates to more happiness and strong belongingness. Despite numerous friends and likes on social networks we can still feel lonely, scared, and miserable. Perhaps, somewhere at the core of our hearts, we feel lonely, sad, unaccepted, and valueless. To overcome the feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, and not being good enough, we can become addicted to social media and other behaviors. Often, the underlying belief in the excessive use of social media is to convince ourselves and others that we are worthy of acceptance and value. Sadly, such a veneer of conviction does not last long. 

            In our society which is often balkanized by loneliness and disconnection we need to heed the call that belongingness is the path to healing. For our happiness, we need to be conscious and deliberate in cultivating belongingness.

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[1] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2024 March 8). The power of connection: How it can improve our health

[2] Allen, K. (2021). The psychology of belonging. Routledge Taylor & Francis Group.

[3] Allen, K. (2021). The psychology of belonging.

[4] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2024 March 8). The power of connection: How it can improve our health

You Can Belong

            Humans have a deep longing to be-long, even those who seem to declare that they do not need anyone. Before we can dream of belonging to others, or even to God, we first need to belong to ourselves. Although, it is possible we may start to accept ourselves when we experience unconditional acceptance from someone else but such experiences can be rare. Even if people love us and God accepts us unconditionally, we can still miss out on all that love and sense of belonging if we do not compassionately connect with ourselves. The love and belonging that we receive from others need a home — a sanctuary — within our being. 

            If we do not understand and belong to ourselves then we will fail to discover, create, or expand the sanctuary within us where love can reside. We cannot belong to anyone else without first belonging to ourselves. Belonging to ourselves means coming to know and embrace who we are, our journey, and our brokenness. As Viola Davis, who is known for her powerful and nuanced performances, beautifully puts it, 

“This is who I am.

This is where I am from.

This is my mess. 

This is what it means to belong to myself.”  

            It is not easy to accept ourselves with all our flaws and messiness but without being courageous enough to embrace ourselves we can never truly belong to ourselves. If we cannot even acknowledge our own stories and accept ourselves, then who will? 

Once we own who we are and own our stories as they are, we will be able to experience true belonging to ourselves and to others.      

 

Own Your Story

We must realize that our story matters and needs to be shared. The following guidelines offered by Viola Davis can help us own our story and have the courage to share it with others.[1]   

I Am Doing the Best I Can

            We need to stop chastising ourselves nonstop and mercilessly. Most people try their best according to what they know best. We can remind ourselves, particularly when we fail despite our trying, “I am doing the best I can.”

I Will Allow Myself to be Seen

            It is the default tendency of the mind to hide from others what is broken, messy, and hurtful. Often, a deep-down fear in us can lead us to not show our wounds to others because they might despise and reject us. Perhaps the other person is undergoing the same struggle, too. Can we break through the barrier, allow ourselves to be seen, and thus move toward a relationship based on authenticity and freedom? If we are afraid to be seen by others, then we are not yet free to own our story. We are not free to connect with others.

Do Not Leave Anything on the Floor

            There can be hindrances in sharing our story fully and honestly, again for fear of not being good enough and consequently assuming rejection by others. “Go further. Don’t be afraid. Put it all out there. Don’t leave anything on the floor”.[2] Let us own our story entirely; if we do not, who will? 

            It is sad if our story remains unknown and we die a mystery even to people who are close to us. Davis states, “I will not be a mystery to my daughter. She will know me and I will share my stories with her—the stories of failure, shame, and accomplishment.”[3]  Can we have the courage to own our story fully and to share it with those who deserve to know? 

People who impact our lives are those who are authentic and dare to share their stories not only of grace but also of shame, not only of cheers but also of tears.

             

 

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[1] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

[2] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness.

[3] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness.

Your Story Matters

            We read and share stories found in history or written by famous authors. There is no harm in sharing those stories if they build connections and offer insights into our human nature. 

Viola Davis, American actress, who in 2017 was listed by Time magazine as one of the most influential top one hundred people in the world, says that to believe that the only stories worth sharing are from the past or found in books is not true and limits the expression and joy of our lives.[1]

Every story matters. My story matters. Your story matters.

Davis adds, “We are all worthy of telling our stories and having them heard. We all need to be seen and honored in the same way that we all need to breathe.”[2]

We need to muster the courage to tell our stories as they are in their uniqueness. Our stories do not need to have great success (there is no true story only having success, by the way). We need to honor joys as well as sorrows, successes as well as failure, laughter as well as tears, connection as well as brokenness, all intertwined in the story of our life. 

            Our stories can be sacred if we see them with humility and through God’s eyes. We are empowered to share our stories only if we look compassionately at ourselves, particularly the broken pieces in our lives. 

Sharing our stories not only deepens relationships but also brings healing and courage to both, the storyteller, and the listener. 

Can we start looking at our stories with compassion and with a sense of sacredness? Can we share our stories with people who listen and care?

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[1] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

[2] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness.

Buried Alive

Buried Alive — I am not talking about the Hollywood movie! Part of being human is experiencing feelings and emotions, such as sadness, joy, anger, peace, loneliness, connection, and love. If you find friends, family, and a social network that understand your experiences and support you in your growth and self-actualization then you can readily feel alive. However, given that human nature is imperfect, people do not and will not always understand you and support you. You can experience hurt caused by others implicitly or even explicitly. You can have experiences where the people you thought would be supportive turn out to be exploitative and damaging. Experiences of rejection, betrayal, and hurt, including those that happened many years ago or in childhood can make you feel suspicious, defensive, and withdrawn in your current experiences and relationships. You can unconsciously start building walls around you for protection so that you do not get hurt again. 

It is true that you need to be prudent and not allow yourself to be an easy prey for anyone to exploit and hurt you. However, there is a line that if crossed you start entering the realm of constant fear, numbness, and/or isolation. The shield that you created with the initial intention of protecting yourself from any possible hurtful experience can transform into a coffin. A coffin in which you bury yourself alive. Wherever you go or with whomever you interact you can remain in your coffin for fear of being hurt. You do not allow any positive emotions, love, and intimacy to enter your space. And you curb yourself from sharing your feelings, thoughts, and aspirations. You live within yourself, entombed within your invisible coffin, buried alive. 

To be human is to love and be loved. Love is a package where you experience connection, joy, and support but also experience misunderstandings, failures, and hurt. There is no love without the risk of getting hurt. Can you open yourself to the mystery of love? Can you once again begin to trust and be exposed to experiences and relationships that can bring you joy and deeper connections? Can you muster the courage to break open your coffin and emerge to be fully alive?