Chasing Shadows

             Many of us have two selves — one that is actual and another that we fantasise about. We can desire to be slimmer, fairer, richer, and so forth — things we are not. 

It is indeed good to keep improving and growing into better versions of ourselves. However, if we forget the distinction between what is actual and what is illusory or what is practical and what is unattainable then all our efforts will only drain our energy, time, and happiness. 

Our struggle to be someone that we are not meant to be is a pathology, projection, fantasy, and a chase of our shadow. Chasing our shadow will meet continuous disappointments because reality keeps showing us the truth of ourselves. Our regress pursuit of searching for our grandiose self can keep us chasing our shadow and make us forget to embrace our true self. 

It is a huge tragedy that we can ignore to connect with our true self and live our lives always seeking to be someone else in fantasy.

Can we be kind enough to acknowledge and honor who we are, right now? The question we can ask ourselves is: “What if nothing changes — my looks, my weight, my health, my success — would I accept and love myself unconditionally?”[1]

Answering ‘yes’ to this question can change our life. Peace and contentment are found in connecting and embracing our true self and not in chasing our imaginary self that lies in fantasy, in some uncertain future. We can find peace and happiness now. We do not have to become someone or wait for the future for something to happen. 

Peace lies in the now and not in the future. If we can find peace in the now, then we can hope to have it in the future too. We need to stop chasing our shadow and connect, embrace, and honor our true self, here and now. 

Embracing and celebrating our true self can lead to genuine peace and contentment. 

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[1] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House. 

Handling Disagreements

How do you handle disagreements or misunderstandings in a relationship? Many might have “disagree, agree, or suck it up” as their default response to disagreements.[1] People can opt for agree or suck it up styles for the sake of protecting a relationship, for maintaining peace, or for fear of facing conflicts. Others can be quick to disagree because agreeing would mean they are weak and losers. 

Giving in to arguments might make one feel stronger than the other. Conversely, avoiding a conversation might produce an illusion of achieving a peaceful solution. However, these approaches damage a relationship in the long run. They weaken the intensity of the connection. 

One may win an argument but sadly can lose the relationship, at least partially. On one hand, disagreements can feel like an axe striking a tree. On the other hand, peace is achieved by agreeing or by sucking it up. But this is a false peace and not likely to last long. 

Withdrawing from conversation is like a parasite eating a tree from inside. From outside the tree might look green but from inside, it withers. Eventually, the tree falls to the ground. 

It becomes evident that agree, disagree, and withdraw default responses in a conflict are harmful to a relationship. So, what can one do? Is there a better approach? 

Dr. Michelle Buck, a clinical professor of leadership, suggests that unhealthy styles of responding to disagreements can gradually lead to misunderstanding and resentment. She suggests that people need to talk when in disagreement — but the intention of talk should not be either to agree or to disagree. The intention of talk should be to understand the other. If conversations can be held to find understanding in a conflict rather than to prove the other wrong, then mutual respect and deeper connection can be built. [2]

Looking for understanding will not necessarily remove individual differences and preferences; however, it will lead to better, honest, and deeper relationships.

Next time, when your default conflict resolution system is eager to kick in, remind yourself that the purpose of talking is understanding - not agreeing or disagreeing. 

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[1] Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

[2] Buck, M. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

The Pain of Loneliness

Any pain is unpleasant; however, the pain of loneliness can be excruciating, piercing to the core of our inner being. Pain, by nature, grabs our attention and invites us to address it. Yet we can choose to ignore, suppress, tolerate, or fight it rather than respond positively to it. We can attempt to drown the pain of loneliness in addiction, to suffocate it with success and material hoardings, or to strangle it with hate and disdain.[1]However, the pain of loneliness does not die and keeps surfacing, particularly when our brain is not distracted by being busy. The pain of loneliness is like a hole in our inner being that no matter what we do to achieve happiness, meaning, and contentment, it all flushes out through this hole. Life can start appearing futile, empty, and meaningless. 

The pain of loneliness can be subsided only when we acknowledge it, care for it, and do what is necessary to relieve it.[2] Our culture might have taught us to not acknowledge this pain because it points to the finite nature of our humanness. It tells us that we are vulnerable and dependent, and that we need others to achieve our optimal level of contentment.

We need to acknowledge the pain of loneliness, look at it with compassion, address it as we would physical pain. Honestly acknowledging the pain of loneliness and addressing it by creating and promoting healthy and deep connection with others and with God can lead to meaning, happiness, and contentment. 

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[1] Brown, Brené (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

[2] Brown, Brené (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.