Humans carry within them a deep, innate need to connect—woven into our very DNA is a longing to belong. Whether we are aware of it or not, this desire quietly guides our choices, our behaviors, and our relationships. To feel like we don’t belong—what we might call un-belonging—can be profoundly painful.
Toko-pa Turner, a Canadian writer and founder of Dream School, speaks powerfully about the ache of being on the outside of belonging. She writes that un-belonging is “the excruciating belief that you are not needed. That life does not consider you necessary. When nobody comes after you with invitation, it confirms your worst fear and sends you pushing further into the province of exile, even towards the cold beckoning of death.”
Her words give voice to the rawness many of us have felt at some point in our lives. For some, this pain is fleeting; for others, it becomes a silent burden carried for years. The feeling that we are not needed or valued can show up anywhere: in a romantic relationship, a friendship, a family system, a faith community, or a workplace. Sometimes it stems from actual rejection. Other times, it's rooted in our own mistaken assumptions—or a painful mix of both. In the grip of un-belonging, we may begin to see ourselves as worthless, pushing away even those who truly care. In extreme cases, this self-rejection can turn inward, leading to despair or even suicidal thoughts. Turner calls suicide “the ultimate self-rejection.”
So what can we do when we feel exiled from connection? Turner offers an unexpected but healing response: to stand fully in our own un-belonging. Rather than fleeing from it, we are invited to become friendly with the terrors of loneliness and exclusion. When we begin to embrace our own aloneness, something powerful happens—we start calming the voices that scream we’re not enough, not lovable, not wanted.
True belonging, it turns out, doesn’t come from avoiding loneliness, but from moving toward it with compassion. As we do this, the fear of rejection loses its grip. We become more rooted in ourselves and more capable of extending invitations to connect—and of receiving the invitations others offer us.
Notes
Turner, T. (2017). Belonging: Remembering ourselves home (pp. 22-25). Her Own Room Press.
Outstanding dear brother
ReplyDeleteHow do we embrace aloneness?
ReplyDeleteAn essential question: I hope to reflect on it sometime later.
DeleteVery nice
ReplyDeleteTo embrace aloneness we need to pray, in faith with hope, fortitude and forgiveness
ReplyDeleteLearning to be happy in you own company eases the feelings of loneliness and can build confidence.
ReplyDelete