Making Sense of Pain

Brokenness and pain are universal human experiences.[1] When something goes wrong, our minds want to know, "Who did this to me?" The mind becomes restless until it finds someone to blame. When we experience intense pain that disrupts our lives, our minds often seek to alleviate uncertainty by attributing blame to others, ourselves, or even God.

We often tend to blame others when things go wrong (true, others may have contributed to the situation). If blaming others doesn't solve the problem, we might start blaming ourselves. We may think, "It's all my fault," and live with a sense of guilt, believing that if we had done things differently, the outcome would have been better. Another entity we might blame is God. Many people believe that God is the creator of the universe, has control over everything, and nothing happens without God's knowledge, so it can be natural to think that any pain we experience is caused or allowed by God. This thinking can lead us to blame God for the pain in our lives.

Here, a theological debate about God's power and accountability may not help us find peace in our pain. Instead of blaming others, self, or God, we can focus on finding meaning. While it's important to hold people accountable for their actions, we can begin the process of finding meaning in our pain. We can ask ourselves, "What does this pain mean to me? How can it help me understand my life, relationships, and everything else? Can this pain lead me to compassion, new perspectives, and maturity?" Although facing our pain may be uncomfortable, understanding it and finding meaning can help us grow and become whole.[2]

 

  

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[1] Baptist, J. (2021). Brokenness to wholeness. Media House (p. 23).

[2] Baptist, J. (2021). Brokenness to wholeness. Media House (p. 41).

 

Dying to Grow: The Path to New Beginnings

The new year is upon us once again, inviting us to look forward with hope, make fresh decisions, and walk new paths. At the start of each year, many of us make resolutions—some to spend more time on studies or with family, to begin exercising or adopting healthier eating habits, others to quit smoking, drinking, or other harmful behaviors, while still others aspire to engage in more meaningful, spiritual, or compassionate pursuits. Yet, the initial enthusiasm often fades with time. Embracing something new in our lives is rarely easy. We tend to cling to our old, familiar ways, even when they no longer serve us—or worse, when they become harmful. As the poet W.H. Auden wisely observed, “We would rather be ruined than changed.” Change is difficult, sometimes even painful, but failing to change leads only to stagnation, deterioration, and ultimately, death.

To begin something new often requires that something old within us must die. Without this shedding, the new cannot emerge and endure. Archbishop Fulton Sheen captured this truth beautifully: “When we die to something, something comes alive within us. If we die to self, charity comes alive; if we die to pride, service comes alive; if we die to lust, reverence for personality comes alive; if we die to anger, love comes alive.” Before we embark on the journey of the new and the noble, we must pause and reflect on what we need to let go of in order to make room for what is new. The new life demands a price—the price of the old self.

This year, let us reflect on what we want to see come alive in our lives, our families, and our communities—and consider what we must let die in order for the new to take root. Change is necessary. Change is growth. Change is life.          

 

 

Notes

Auden, W.H. in Hersh, S. A. (2022). (belonging): Finding the way back to one another. NavPress.  

Sheen F. in Hersh, S. A. (2022). (belonging): Finding the way back to one another. NavPress.  

Christmas: The Gift of Being Home

Christmas is here again—a time for stars, lights, Santa Claus, mangers, and delicious food. But Christmas is much more than these familiar images; it is the promise of being home. In a world fractured by loneliness, addictions, and a deep yearning for more, Christmas offers the gift of belonging—of finding a home, deeply connected to God and one another.

From childhood to advanced years, every person longs for something more in their life. We seek something that will quench our restlessness, satisfy our chaotic search for meaning, and fulfill our deepest longings. Often, we try to fill this void by buying things, staying busy, presenting ourselves in certain ways, or connecting with thousands of people on social media. Yet, day after day, year after year, the longing remains—and in many ways, it only intensifies, even as we keep searching for more.

Perhaps, beneath all our restless desires, lies a deeper longing to be at home—to truly belong. To be at home is to be accepted, appreciated, and loved for who we truly are. Home is not merely a place; it is an experience—a space where we can be ourselves and freely give and receive love. Until we are truly home—until we deeply belong—we will continue to feel restless, chaotic, and desperately searching for something outside ourselves.

Christmas reminds us of the profound truth that God came to us, offering a deeper relationship with both God and one another. We no longer need to search for a home, for in God, we find our home. And in God, all people become our siblings, including all of creation. Can we recognize the deeper yearning for God and for true belonging in all our restlessness and hustle? If we can uncover the roots of our desire for more, perhaps we can open ourselves to genuine connection with God and with each other. As St. Augustine once said, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in God." In God, we find the peace of truly belonging—not only to God but to one another, to our brothers and sisters, and to the whole of creation, all made in God’s image.

May the birth of Christ help us open our hearts to the gift of being home and inspire us to help others discover true belonging—deeply and authentically.

 

Groupthink vs. Authenticity: How to Belong Without Losing Yourself

As social beings, we gain many benefits from being part of a group, whether it’s a family, community, team, or even a broader society. But sometimes, group dynamics can become overly controlling or rigid in beliefs, leading to a phenomenon known as “groupthink.” 

Groupthink occurs when the desire for conformity within a group leads to irrational or poor decision-making. Members prioritize consensus over critical thinking, often suppressing dissent or overlooking risks to avoid conflict. This is particularly common in close-knit groups with strong leaders or rigid beliefs, where members may agree outwardly while privately feeling misaligned. 

Groups affected by groupthink often resist new ideas or evidence, leading to flawed decisions, stunted growth, and added burdens on certain members—often those who are already marginalized. Psychologist Kelly-Ann Allen has observed that, in order to feel accepted, people often censor their speech and even thoughts, sacrificing authenticity and factual accuracy. This self-censorship shows the lengths people will go to avoid being seen as an outcast. Yet, belonging by compromising one’s authenticity might serve a social purpose but takes away from life’s richness and personal fulfillment. 

True belonging requires first connecting deeply with oneself. When we embrace our whole selves, including both our strengths and vulnerabilities, we can engage with others authentically. Only then can we contribute meaningfully to a group without losing ourselves in the process. 

 

Notes 

Allen, K. (2021). The psychology of belonging (pp. 23-24). Routledge. 

The Burden of Inflexibility: Unpacking the Roots of Human Suffering

The topic of human suffering is an age-old enigma, explored through theological, social, and psychological lenses. Honest reflection and research reveal that suffering is a complex issue with no single cause. One significant contributor to human suffering is inflexibility.

According to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), psychological inflexibility lies at the core of human suffering. It refers to a rigid way of thinking, feeling, and behaving that limits a person's ability to adapt to changing circumstances, particularly when dealing with stress or emotions. People who experience psychological inflexibility often avoid uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, or situations, preventing them from aligning their actions with their values or addressing challenges effectively. 

For example, some may find it extremely difficult to accept the end of a relationship, clinging to someone who has clearly abused or exploited them. The inability to let go prolongs the emotional pain and leads to deeper suffering. Others may resist changing long-held political, cultural, or religious beliefs, even when faced with evidence of misconceptions or obsolescence, because the idea of questioning these ingrained assumptions feels frightening. In such cases, inflexibility leads to restricted living and intensified suffering.

While pain itself is unpleasant, it is often our resistance to change and unwillingness to adapt that deepens our suffering. Clinging to outdated thoughts, emotions, beliefs, or behaviors—long after it is time to let them go—creates unnecessary hardship.

By understanding the burden of inflexibility, we can begin to see how resistance to change amplifies our suffering. Life is inherently unpredictable, offering both joys and challenges that require us to adapt and grow. When we embrace psychological flexibility, we lighten this burden, allowing ourselves to respond to pain and adversity with greater wisdom and resilience. Letting go of rigidity fosters healing, growth, and deeper joy within the journey of life.

Notes

Stoddard, J. A. & Afari, N.  (2014). The big book of ACT metaphors: A practitioner’s guide to experiential exercises & metaphors in acceptance & commitment therapy. Anchor Books, p. 6.

Faith: The Antidote to Anxiety

What is the opposite of faith—doubt or unbelief? The renowned theologian Ronald Rolheiser, drawing from scripture scholars, suggests that for Jesus, “the opposite of faith was not doubt or unbelief, but anxiety—being anxious.” We experience both surface-level anxiety about day-to-day tasks and deeper, unconscious anxiety related to our very existence—our need to feel significant, accepted, and loved.

As Rolheiser points out, “We are born anxious.” As infants, we depend entirely on caregivers for love and protection. This anxiety shows itself in our cries and other physical expressions, asking, "Will I be fed, cared for, protected, and loved?" The anxiety persists as we grow into children, adolescents, and even adults, struggling to find security, self-worth, and acceptance.

While some anxiety may be caused by clinical or environmental factors, much of it can stem from a lack of faith—faith in God, in others, and in ourselves. Anxiety often reflects mistrust in God’s care, doubt in the goodness of others, and insecurity about our inherent worth. Reclaiming faith allows us to overcome the anxiety that clouds our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

True faith invites us to begin releasing our anxieties. A deep faith in God serves as a powerful antidote to the constant worry that burdens us, guiding us toward a life of peace, trust, and connection.

 

Notes,

Rolheiser, R. (2014). Sacred fire: A vision for a deeper human and Christian maturity. Image, p. 36.

 

 

Reframing Suffering: A New Dialogue with God

When we are overwhelmed by severe problems, terminal illnesses, or death, we often seek explanations. When no satisfactory answers emerge, we may place the responsibility on God, asking, "God, why are You doing this to me?" It is as though we are questioning whether we have done something so wrong that God has rejected, punished, or abandoned us in our suffering. In my book, Brokenness to Wholeness, I explore how these feelings of rejection can arise in times of pain and what we can do to reconnect with our faith.

Pain and hardship invite us to reflect more deeply on our lives. If we can acknowledge that many things occur as part of our human nature and the environment's unfolding, we might realize that God is not deliberately causing us harm. With this understanding, we may begin to see our suffering—and God—with fresh eyes, allowing us to move forward in our struggles.

Rabbi Harold Kushner suggests a different set of questions to ask God: "God, see what is happening to me. Can you help me?" This approach shifts our focus from judgment to seeking comfort. Kushner emphasizes that in moments of suffering, we do not turn to God to be judged, forgiven, rewarded, or punished. Instead, we turn to God for strength and comfort. What we truly need in our pain is solace and support, not the burden of thinking that our suffering is divine punishment.

Believing that pain is God's punishment only deepens feelings of rejection and worthlessness, which is not true. God loves us and is closest to us when we are in pain. Approaching God as a loving parent, rather than a harsh judge, helps us maintain a sense of goodness and belonging as God's children, without feeling condemned.

In reframing our suffering and witnessing the pain of others, we are invited to cultivate compassion and connection. We can trust that God is on our side, even in our darkest moments. With this divine support, we can confront the toughest trials, discovering the courage and potential for healing that lies within our struggles.

 

Notes, 

Baptist, J. (2021). Brokenness to Wholeness. Media House.

Kushner, H. (1981). When bad things happen to good people. Anchor Books, pp. 51 – 52.