TIPS FOR BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM

          Mental Health America (MHA) states, “Everyone feels awkward, insecure, or alone at times – especially during adolescence… It’s unfortunately common to not feel great about yourself sometimes”. If you are an adolescent, you might feel that it is you alone feeling awkward, insecure, and rejected by companions and groups. But even adults can feel this way. “The secret is: Most of your peers feel this way too” – even the ones who seem famous, smart, and intelligent (MHA).

“Self-esteem refers to your overall sense of worth – how much you like and respect yourself” (MHA). Self-esteem is a realistic and appreciative opinion of yourself. Being realistic implies that you try to be accurate and honest in understanding yourself — that you do not catastrophise your unpleasant feelings and experiences; and do not minimize your good qualities. Having an appreciative opinion of yourself means that you look at yourself with genuine love and support. Healthy self-esteem can empower you to reach your goals, express your needs, and have a more positive outlook on life (MHA). 

This and the next articles will shed light on some proven and helpful tips to boost one’s self-esteem. The first tip to consider to boost your self-esteem is that ‘you can’t read people’s minds’. 

Remember: You Can’t Read People’s Minds

Examine if you tend to claim that you exactly know what others think about you. Unfortunately, most often, you make assumptions about how others think poorly of you though there may not exist any proof to prove what you believe. “It’s easy to assume how someone feels about you – based on a text they never replied to, a weird look they gave you in the hall, or just the fact that you’ve never really interacted. None of these things mean they don’t like you – so try to stop your brain when it starts creating a story about what they must be thinking” (MHA). Go talk to people. 

           Practice the above tip and you will find that most people are not actually vicious, and do not see you poorly. Instead of trying to read others’ minds, talk to them. This will help you make good connections with others, boost your skills in interpersonal relationships, aid you in understanding yourself realistically, and boost your self-esteem. 

 

Notes

Mental Health America (MHA), (2022), 2022 Back-to-School Outreach Toolkit

The Power of “NO”

            More often than not, many live in a society that is crazy and running about with things to do, things to achieve. You and I could be part of this maze race too. Some people can be pathologically over-functioning, over-dependent, slothful, or selfish; they can drag you into a frantic race, which is neither healthy nor actuallydesired by you. They can exploit you by placing their burdens and unhealthy demands on you. If you are not alert and prudent, you can become a victim of their tactics of praise, (indirect) blackmailing, and/or threat to oust you from their groups or love. It can be very tempting to keep saying ‘yes’ to them as this might have some temporary benefits, such as enjoying their group membership, favors and support. Fear of exclusion can be another huge temptation to continue the slavery of unhealthy ‘yes’. No one likes to be isolated. 

            Saying ‘yes’, even when it is unhealthy and drains your energy, can be your default response. For individuals who are kind and generous, it can be hard to say ‘no’. Our culture often teaches us only to say ‘yes’. Unfortunately, incessantly saying yes is construed as a sign of an obedient, pleasant, and good person. However, it is the word no that can redeem you. You need to say no to all such people who want to use you in their celebration of pathologies. You can imagine that some people will not be happy with your no.

Shauna Niequist, a New York Times bestselling author, observes that such people would prefer you over-function for their purposes at the cost of wellbeing for you and your dear ones. When you say something like, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that,” it can be a personal affront to people who are wrapped up in their own hyper-functioning (Niequist). Leave them, do not argue with them. People who cannot honor your ‘no’, are egocentric and will only keep relationship with you as long as you allow yourself to be exploited. Niequist concludes, “You can’t have yes without no…if you’re not careful with your yeses, you start to say no to some very important things without even realizing it”. 

If you want to say a full and profound yes to peace, wellbeing, goodness, and life then you need to learn to say no to certain things. The word ‘no’ has the power to transform your life. 

 

Notes

1.     Shauna Niequist (2016), Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living.

2.     “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’” (Mt. 5:37)

The True Self

The recent articles on this blog discussed the three types of masks: the bad, the neutral, and the good. Once one removes all the layers of these masks one will discover who one truly is. 

When one dies, will it matter what race and country one belonged to, what positions and possessions one boasted of, what colour and figure one had, and what degrees and titles one earned? None of these labels will matter. Naked one enters into this world, and naked one returns. All forms of identities based on any mask will lose their significance one day. 

Many realise the folly of clinging to these temporary identities as their moment of death nears. Often one becomes stripped of all temporary identities in the face of death. But one does not have to wait until one is nearing death to grasp such vanity. The journey of knowing one’s true self can start now. 

To peel off one’s false layers of the mask is to reach a holy place — an inner core — the pure self. To fail to discover one’s true self is to fail one’s own sainthood and to miss the purpose of life. 

The true self can be defined as which existed even before one was born, and which will exist even after one’s death. That which was before one’s birth and will remain after one’s death is unchangeable, indestructible, eternal, and therefore is the true self. 

           For one to know one’s true self one must see oneself with the eyes of her/his Creator. One cannot realise her/his pure self without Divine vision. ‘Who one is for God’ is his/her true identity. An identity rooted in God does not crumple. Hence, one needs to ask oneself  “Who am I for God?”  

The answer one finds will prove to be his/her true identity. In this process, one will discover that one is a child of God, a beloved of God, a friend of God, a part of the Universal Being, or a ray of the Absolute Light and Joy. Once one realises one’s identity rooted in the Divine vision, no one can snatch it away. 

The invitation for each person is to see oneself with the eyes of God to discover their true self. 

 

The Good Mask

The third mask that one needs to shed to discover one’s true self is the good mask. The good mask is formed by one’s profession, apostolate, or works of charity. Thus, one can be a teacher, nurse, social worker, principal, and such. These identities are based on the work one does. Typically, one’s work is one’s choice or is entrusted to one by family or congregation. Work enables one to take care of self and family, and provides purpose for one’s life. 

An identity based on work can evolve into a seemingly innocuous mask, the good mask. However, a mask is still a mask and hinders one from realizing one’s true self. The good mask being good is insidious, hard to detect and harder to remove. To find one’s pure self, one necessarily needs to look at oneself with the eyes of God and not according to the importance of one’s work. Removing the good mask does not imply that one should stop doing the work one is engaged in. Rather, it means that one ought to cease viewing oneself through the work’s temporary and changing conditions. Professions and occupations change. The true self cannot be understood and realized through fleeting circumstances. 

The danger in wearing the good mask is that one becomes blind and cannot see life holistically. If one works as a manager and sees oneself only through one’s work, one would relate to others only as a boss to subordinates. One might even relate to everyone else as one’s subordinates because one would only know one way to relate - through one’s work. One’s identity would exist only if one holds a position. One would find it extremely difficult when removed from the position or when retired, as the identity shatters. The good mask can make one believe that one only is competent and superior and that others are inept and inferior. 

Continuing with this example of a manager, a better way of understanding one’s work is to see that one is not a manager but has the responsibility of managing for a specific period. Management is not one’s identity but only a responsibility that can change at any time. One’s true identity is much deeper and permanent than shallow identification with transient work. 

Self-awareness can light up the process of recognizing and peeling off the various forms the good mask assumes in one’s life.

           Some questions that can further one’s journey of self-realization are: 

1.     Am I not more than the work I do?

2.     Has my work become my worship?

3.     Do I always look at others through the lens of my position?

4.     Do I introduce myself to others stating my profession or occupation?

5.     If one is unable to work for certain reasons, does one not have an identity?