Comparative Awareness

           Human beings are gifted in many ways. One unique gift that humans have is awareness. We become aware of ourselves, other people, and the world around us. Thus, becoming aware of our life and the context we are in, we can make appropriate choices and grow into better versions of ourselves. And that’s amazing! Unfortunately, there is a downside to this awareness — we can start comparing ourselves to others and even to our fantasised-future-version. 

           Acknowledging our limitations and growing edges is warranted but chasing unrealistic goals leads to misery and depression. We can fantasize about many future versions of ourselves in our heads and begin to compare them to who we really are; this can create a sense of failure and inferiority. 

It is possible that animals can feel sad and become depressed if beaten or if they lose their caretaker or another animal close to them. However, they do not get miserable by comparing themselves to other animals or to their slim, smart, or wealthy ideal selves. 

Humans get stressed by responding to diverse life situations such as sickness, failure, and loss of a dear one. Unfortunately, and very often, humans also get depressed by responding to imaginary situations and expectations we have created in our mind. Unlike animals, humans have the power to imagine, to compare the current and future versions of ourselves, and to be aware of the gap, in certain cases a delusional and unattainable one. 

Again, it is desirable that we keep growing, but we need to renounce any delusional comparison with others and with our own unrealistic imagined versions. A constant dehumanizing comparison of ourselves with the selves we have created in our heads can become a civil war within us. This way, we add numerous, unwanted, yet avoidable, imaginary battles to our daily life challenges. Sadly, we can end up fighting and pursuing things that do not even exist in reality.

Our self-awareness, if we want to be healthy and grow, needs to be compassionate and encouraging, and not competitive and comparative.

References

Gilbert, P (2013). The compassionate mind. Robinson.

“I Feel Therefore…”

            Emotions are beautiful aspects of human life and make it fascinating and respond to situations appropriately. When you get your first job, you may jump with happiness, or when your dear friend loses a parent you might become sad and hug them with tears. However, our emotions are not accurate always and can lead to making wrong decisions and acting in an unhealthy way. 

           One illusion that counsellors often help their clients overcome is I feel therefore, it is true (Gilbert, 2013). Some concrete examples of this misconception are: I feel anxious going for an interview, so it must be bad, and I must avoid it; I feel angry, so I must hit him; I feel they dislike me, so I must withdraw from them. What we feel is not always true. Often feelings are fruits of what happened in our past and may not have much to do with what is at hand. For example, if you had an unpleasant experience while traveling on a train, you might feel anxious while traveling again on a train. Or, if one of your teachers were harsh to you, you might feel nervous, even after decades, of approaching another teacher. If we behave guided by every feeling that emerges within then imagine how ill-advised and chaotic we can make our life. 

            It is critical to discern our feelings and not to become slaves of them. Sometimes tolerating them and not acting upon them can help us avoid impulsive acts. At other times, we can replace them with new motives and emotions rooted in compassion and goodness (Gilbert, 2013). Discern the roots of your emotions, particularly those that produce negative outcomes for you and others. Make emotions your strength and allow them to enhance your human experiences. 

 

References

Gilbert, P. (2013). The compassionate mind. Robinson.

Learning is Uncommon

                    One of my professors says, “Learning is less common.” I was surprised to hear this statement. Upon further discussion and personal reflection, it became clear that the statement is true. 

Learning is uncommon particularly beyond a certain level. Because we like to feel accepted, we know and talk to people who already have similar ideas and beliefs. We spend time with people who agree with us and avoid those who have different, let alone contrary perceptions of reality. Thus, we conform to a narrow way of thinking and knowing. The more we repeat ideas we already know, the more we can become intellectually stubborn and opposed to new insights and learning. One can easily find examples of people in any context, especially in politics and religion, who abuse and attack whatever is different from what they know or believe. 

        We, as individuals, may not be exempt from the stubbornness to learning. Reflecting on the following questions can help us detect our resistance to learning and pave the way toward learning. 

·      How do you react when someone proposes a different perspective on something from yours? 

o   Do you immediately refute the other person or withdraw from the conversation?

o   Do you feel threatened, nervous, or angry? 

·      What is one perception or understanding that you changed recently?

·      What is one learning that you want to correct or update? 

·      What is one thing you want to know or learn this month?

Learning is necessary to avoid biases and to grow, not only intellectually but also emotionally, as well as socially. Keeping our minds and spirits open can help us live a growth-focused life and nurture harmonious relationships with others. 

 

Listening As Spiritual Hospitality

We live in a loud, yet deaf world. Many people seem to run on adrenaline restlessly trying to achieve and prove. Such a self-absorbed and anxious life makes us deaf to others who try to speak to us. Even when we converse, we seem preoccupied with how we need to respond to the other or are engrossed in our own selfish motives. Listening is not only a physical and mental skill but also a priceless and much-needed spiritual exercise. Henry Nouwen says, “Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which we invite strangers to become friends.”[1] Listening helps us enter the inner world of others, the many complex layers of joys and sorrows, that otherwise we would miss. 

It is not easy to listen. Listening requires of us “so much of interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.”[2] Listening creates a safe and healing environment for others to pour out their hearts without fear of being judged or rejected. Listening as spiritual hospitality allows us to welcome others as they are into our world. In such a sacred space, others can feel deeply valued and begin to heal. Can we add listening as spiritual hospitality to our range of spiritual exercises?

 

 

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[1] Henry Nouwen Society, Listening as a spiritual hospitality 

 

[2] Henry Nouwen Society, Listening as a spiritual hospitality