Much of our suffering does not come only from what happened. It comes from what we assume happened.
Don Miguel Ruiz warns that the mind quickly fills in what it does not know. We assume that someone is angry with us, does not value us, or intentionally ignores us. We may also expect people who love us to automatically know what we need. Then, when they fail to meet expectations we never clearly expressed, we feel hurt, rejected, or resentful.
The deeper problem is that we often treat our assumptions as facts.
Psychiatrist Aaron Beck, one of the founders of cognitive therapy, described a similar pattern. He identified “mind reading” as a cognitive distortion—the tendency to believe that we know what another person is thinking without enough evidence. A delayed reply becomes “They do not care.” A tired expression becomes, “They are upset with me.” A disagreement becomes “They do not respect me.”
Once the assumption takes hold, our emotions begin responding to the story as though it were true. We may become anxious, angry, defensive, or distant—not because of what the other person actually intended, but because of the meaning we assigned to the situation.
Jesus offers a corrective when he says, “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment” (John 7:24). Right judgment requires more than a first impression. It asks us to pause, listen, seek clarity, and remain open to the possibility that our interpretation may be incomplete.
This is both a spiritual and psychological discipline. Before reacting, we can ask: What do I actually know? What am I only assuming? Is there another possible explanation? Have I spoken honestly with the person involved?
Assumptions close the heart around a story. Truth opens the heart to reality.
Wisdom begins when we replace assumption with curiosity, accusation with conversation, and appearance with truth.
Notes
Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. International Universities Press.
Ruiz, D. M. (1997). The four agreements: A practical guide to personal freedom. Amber-Allen Publishing.
