Own Your Story

We must realize that our story matters and needs to be shared. The following guidelines offered by Viola Davis can help us own our story and have the courage to share it with others.[1]   

I Am Doing the Best I Can

            We need to stop chastising ourselves nonstop and mercilessly. Most people try their best according to what they know best. We can remind ourselves, particularly when we fail despite our trying, “I am doing the best I can.”

I Will Allow Myself to be Seen

            It is the default tendency of the mind to hide from others what is broken, messy, and hurtful. Often, a deep-down fear in us can lead us to not show our wounds to others because they might despise and reject us. Perhaps the other person is undergoing the same struggle, too. Can we break through the barrier, allow ourselves to be seen, and thus move toward a relationship based on authenticity and freedom? If we are afraid to be seen by others, then we are not yet free to own our story. We are not free to connect with others.

Do Not Leave Anything on the Floor

            There can be hindrances in sharing our story fully and honestly, again for fear of not being good enough and consequently assuming rejection by others. “Go further. Don’t be afraid. Put it all out there. Don’t leave anything on the floor”.[2] Let us own our story entirely; if we do not, who will? 

            It is sad if our story remains unknown and we die a mystery even to people who are close to us. Davis states, “I will not be a mystery to my daughter. She will know me and I will share my stories with her—the stories of failure, shame, and accomplishment.”[3]  Can we have the courage to own our story fully and to share it with those who deserve to know? 

People who impact our lives are those who are authentic and dare to share their stories not only of grace but also of shame, not only of cheers but also of tears.

             

 

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[1] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

[2] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness.

[3] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness.

Your Story Matters

            We read and share stories found in history or written by famous authors. There is no harm in sharing those stories if they build connections and offer insights into our human nature. 

Viola Davis, American actress, who in 2017 was listed by Time magazine as one of the most influential top one hundred people in the world, says that to believe that the only stories worth sharing are from the past or found in books is not true and limits the expression and joy of our lives.[1]

Every story matters. My story matters. Your story matters.

Davis adds, “We are all worthy of telling our stories and having them heard. We all need to be seen and honored in the same way that we all need to breathe.”[2]

We need to muster the courage to tell our stories as they are in their uniqueness. Our stories do not need to have great success (there is no true story only having success, by the way). We need to honor joys as well as sorrows, successes as well as failure, laughter as well as tears, connection as well as brokenness, all intertwined in the story of our life. 

            Our stories can be sacred if we see them with humility and through God’s eyes. We are empowered to share our stories only if we look compassionately at ourselves, particularly the broken pieces in our lives. 

Sharing our stories not only deepens relationships but also brings healing and courage to both, the storyteller, and the listener. 

Can we start looking at our stories with compassion and with a sense of sacredness? Can we share our stories with people who listen and care?

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[1] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

[2] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness.

Buried Alive

Buried Alive — I am not talking about the Hollywood movie! Part of being human is experiencing feelings and emotions, such as sadness, joy, anger, peace, loneliness, connection, and love. If you find friends, family, and a social network that understand your experiences and support you in your growth and self-actualization then you can readily feel alive. However, given that human nature is imperfect, people do not and will not always understand you and support you. You can experience hurt caused by others implicitly or even explicitly. You can have experiences where the people you thought would be supportive turn out to be exploitative and damaging. Experiences of rejection, betrayal, and hurt, including those that happened many years ago or in childhood can make you feel suspicious, defensive, and withdrawn in your current experiences and relationships. You can unconsciously start building walls around you for protection so that you do not get hurt again. 

It is true that you need to be prudent and not allow yourself to be an easy prey for anyone to exploit and hurt you. However, there is a line that if crossed you start entering the realm of constant fear, numbness, and/or isolation. The shield that you created with the initial intention of protecting yourself from any possible hurtful experience can transform into a coffin. A coffin in which you bury yourself alive. Wherever you go or with whomever you interact you can remain in your coffin for fear of being hurt. You do not allow any positive emotions, love, and intimacy to enter your space. And you curb yourself from sharing your feelings, thoughts, and aspirations. You live within yourself, entombed within your invisible coffin, buried alive. 

To be human is to love and be loved. Love is a package where you experience connection, joy, and support but also experience misunderstandings, failures, and hurt. There is no love without the risk of getting hurt. Can you open yourself to the mystery of love? Can you once again begin to trust and be exposed to experiences and relationships that can bring you joy and deeper connections? Can you muster the courage to break open your coffin and emerge to be fully alive?

 

Chasing Shadows

             Many of us have two selves — one that is actual and another that we fantasise about. We can desire to be slimmer, fairer, richer, and so forth — things we are not. 

It is indeed good to keep improving and growing into better versions of ourselves. However, if we forget the distinction between what is actual and what is illusory or what is practical and what is unattainable then all our efforts will only drain our energy, time, and happiness. 

Our struggle to be someone that we are not meant to be is a pathology, projection, fantasy, and a chase of our shadow. Chasing our shadow will meet continuous disappointments because reality keeps showing us the truth of ourselves. Our regress pursuit of searching for our grandiose self can keep us chasing our shadow and make us forget to embrace our true self. 

It is a huge tragedy that we can ignore to connect with our true self and live our lives always seeking to be someone else in fantasy.

Can we be kind enough to acknowledge and honor who we are, right now? The question we can ask ourselves is: “What if nothing changes — my looks, my weight, my health, my success — would I accept and love myself unconditionally?”[1]

Answering ‘yes’ to this question can change our life. Peace and contentment are found in connecting and embracing our true self and not in chasing our imaginary self that lies in fantasy, in some uncertain future. We can find peace and happiness now. We do not have to become someone or wait for the future for something to happen. 

Peace lies in the now and not in the future. If we can find peace in the now, then we can hope to have it in the future too. We need to stop chasing our shadow and connect, embrace, and honor our true self, here and now. 

Embracing and celebrating our true self can lead to genuine peace and contentment. 

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[1] Davis, V. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House. 

Handling Disagreements

How do you handle disagreements or misunderstandings in a relationship? Many might have “disagree, agree, or suck it up” as their default response to disagreements.[1] People can opt for agree or suck it up styles for the sake of protecting a relationship, for maintaining peace, or for fear of facing conflicts. Others can be quick to disagree because agreeing would mean they are weak and losers. 

Giving in to arguments might make one feel stronger than the other. Conversely, avoiding a conversation might produce an illusion of achieving a peaceful solution. However, these approaches damage a relationship in the long run. They weaken the intensity of the connection. 

One may win an argument but sadly can lose the relationship, at least partially. On one hand, disagreements can feel like an axe striking a tree. On the other hand, peace is achieved by agreeing or by sucking it up. But this is a false peace and not likely to last long. 

Withdrawing from conversation is like a parasite eating a tree from inside. From outside the tree might look green but from inside, it withers. Eventually, the tree falls to the ground. 

It becomes evident that agree, disagree, and withdraw default responses in a conflict are harmful to a relationship. So, what can one do? Is there a better approach? 

Dr. Michelle Buck, a clinical professor of leadership, suggests that unhealthy styles of responding to disagreements can gradually lead to misunderstanding and resentment. She suggests that people need to talk when in disagreement — but the intention of talk should not be either to agree or to disagree. The intention of talk should be to understand the other. If conversations can be held to find understanding in a conflict rather than to prove the other wrong, then mutual respect and deeper connection can be built. [2]

Looking for understanding will not necessarily remove individual differences and preferences; however, it will lead to better, honest, and deeper relationships.

Next time, when your default conflict resolution system is eager to kick in, remind yourself that the purpose of talking is understanding - not agreeing or disagreeing. 

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[1] Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

[2] Buck, M. in Brown B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

The Pain of Loneliness

Any pain is unpleasant; however, the pain of loneliness can be excruciating, piercing to the core of our inner being. Pain, by nature, grabs our attention and invites us to address it. Yet we can choose to ignore, suppress, tolerate, or fight it rather than respond positively to it. We can attempt to drown the pain of loneliness in addiction, to suffocate it with success and material hoardings, or to strangle it with hate and disdain.[1]However, the pain of loneliness does not die and keeps surfacing, particularly when our brain is not distracted by being busy. The pain of loneliness is like a hole in our inner being that no matter what we do to achieve happiness, meaning, and contentment, it all flushes out through this hole. Life can start appearing futile, empty, and meaningless. 

The pain of loneliness can be subsided only when we acknowledge it, care for it, and do what is necessary to relieve it.[2] Our culture might have taught us to not acknowledge this pain because it points to the finite nature of our humanness. It tells us that we are vulnerable and dependent, and that we need others to achieve our optimal level of contentment.

We need to acknowledge the pain of loneliness, look at it with compassion, address it as we would physical pain. Honestly acknowledging the pain of loneliness and addressing it by creating and promoting healthy and deep connection with others and with God can lead to meaning, happiness, and contentment. 

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[1] Brown, Brené (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

[2] Brown, Brené (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

Loneliness: Diabetes of Happiness

Some things hamper human longevity and well-being. Living with air pollution increases our odds of dying early by five percent. Living with obesity, by twenty percent. Excessive drinking, by thirty percent. And living with loneliness? Loneliness increases our odds of dying early by a full forty-five percent!  That’s how harmful loneliness can be to our life.[1]

The human body is equipped to warn us when we face danger and when our ability to thrive is threatened. John Cacioppo, a researcher on loneliness, says that hunger gives a warning that our blood sugar is low, and we need to eat. Thirst signals that our body is experiencing dehydration, and we need to drink. Pain alerts us to potential tissue damage or some other deterioration in our body, and we need to address it. 

Similarly, loneliness tells us that we need social connection. For humans, social connection is as important as food and water. Denying we feel lonely makes no more sense than denying we feel hunger.[2] As feeling hunger and thirst is normal and part of human existence so is feeling loneliness. We do not remain hungry but rather grab something to eat. However, in the case of loneliness, we can choose to remain lonely and so invite disconnection and misery into our life.

Loneliness is like diabetes. Diabetes, if left untreated, affects internal organs gradually but certainly. Likewise, loneliness reduces our longevity and fruitfulness and destroys our peace and wellbeing. Loneliness can befall us because of our own choices, or others’ abandonment, or even due to circumstances beyond our control. Instead of continuing to isolate ourself and suffer loneliness we can choose to respond positively to this warning signal by connecting to trustworthy others and so invite happiness.

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[1] Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227-237. https://doi-org.blume.stmarytx.edu/10.1177/1745691614568352

[2] Cacioppo, J. (2009). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. W.W. Norton & Company.