The Power of Self-compassion

What Is Self-compassion?

           You cannot think of enjoying good self-esteem and overall well-being without making self-compassion an essential aspect of your life. Self-compassion has the power to heal your wounds and transform your life. 

Kristin Neff (2003a) defined self-compassion as:

Self-compassion, therefore, involves being touched by and open to one’s own suffering, not avoiding or disconnecting from it, generating the desire to alleviate one’s suffering and to heal oneself with kindness. Self-compassion also involves offering a non-judgmental understanding of one’s pain, inadequacies, and failures, so that one’s experience is viewed as part of the larger human experience. 

Self-compassion entails being kind to oneself, particularly when one experiences failures and imperfections. With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation (Neff).

Four Ways to Grow in Self-compassion

The importance of loving yourself cannot be undermined. Below find four ways to grow in self-compassion. 

Exercise 1: Find Reasons to be Self-kind

Start with trying to not hate or dislike yourself. Think of reasons why you deserve some kindness and patience (MHA). People deserve kindness, particularly when they get hurt or struggle with something, even when it is ‘you’.

Exercise 2: Avoid Self-labelling

In moments of failure whether in academics, profession, or interpersonal relationships liking yourself can be hard. One can irrationally scorn and blame yourself for all your failures. Self-contempt and blame can lead to labelling yourself negatively and vice-versa. Some harmful labels are ‘I’m a failure', ‘I’m stupid’, ‘I’m bad’, and ‘I’m useless/worthless’. Avoid them. 

Exercise 3: How Would You Treat a Friend?

How do you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when he or she is suffering? Treat yourself lovingly as you would treat a friend in pain.

Exercise 4: Exploring Self-compassion Through Writing

Everybody has something about themselves that they don’t like; something that causes them to feel shame, insecure, or not good enough. Write a letter to yourself about this issue from a place of acceptance and compassion.

 

 

Notes

Mental Health America (MHA), (2022), 2022 Back-to-School Outreach Toolkit

Kristin Neff, Self-compassion: Tips for Practice

Kristin Neff, (2003a). ‘Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself’. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.

Positive Self-talk

The way you talk to yourself can impact your self-esteem and everything you do. “The effect can be good or bad depending on whether your self-talk is positive or negative” (ReachOut). 

 

This article sheds light on self-talk, the distinction between positive and negative self-talk, and two ways to improve your self-talk. 

 

What is Self-talk?

Do you self-talk? Yes, you are already practising self-talk, only you may not be aware of it. “Self-talk is basically your inner voice, the voice in your mind that says the things you don’t necessarily say out loud” (ReachOut). Often, there is a running commentary going on in your mind by your inner commentator. 

 

Your self-talk shapes how you feel about who you are and how you understand your situations, and how you relate with others. 

 

The Difference Between Positive and Negative Self-talk

Positive self-talk is an optimistic voice in your head that always looks on the bright side (ReachOut). Positive self-talk makes you feel good about yourself and the things that are going on in your life. 

 

Examples: ‘I am doing the best I can’, ‘I can make it through this exam’, ‘I don’t feel great right now, but things could be worse', ‘It is painful and rough now, but things will surely change’.

 

“Negative self-talk makes you feel pretty crappy about yourself and the things that are going on. It can put a downer on anything, even something good” (ReachOut). 

 

Examples: ‘I should be doing better’, ‘Everyone thinks I’m an idiot’, ‘Everything’s crap’, ‘Nothing’s ever going to get better’, ‘Nobody really cares about me’. 

 

“Negative self-talk tends to make people pretty miserable” (ReachOut) and impacts your moods, what you do, and even your mental and physical health. 

 

So, it is important that you change your negative self-talk to positive self-talk.

 

Two Effective Ways to Enhance Positive Self-talk

Here are two effective ways to grow in positive self-talk. Everyone has strengths and (many!) good qualities. What do you like or appreciate about yourself? Write these things down so that you have a running list to add more to as you think of them! 

 

If coming up with specific things feels too hard right now, try repeating basic affirmations, like ‘I am strong’, I am good’, I am lovable’, ‘I am valuable’, or “I matter.” 

 

You can also ask a friend or loved one what they think are your best qualities to get you started (MHA).

 

Notes

ReachOut, 3 Ways to Talk to Yourself

Mental Health America (MHA), (2022), 2022 Back-to-School Outreach Toolkit

Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

My recent article, Tips for Building Self-esteem, reflected on the factor of ‘self-esteem’ and proposed the first tip that we go and talk to people rather than try to read their minds. This article reflects on what is a negative thought and how to overcome it, offering another tip to enhance self-esteem and overall wellbeing.

 

“Negative thought includes negative beliefs you might have about yourself, situations, or others” (Arlin Cunic). These faulty beliefs can affect your moods, actions, interpersonal relationships, success, and overall happiness. 

 

Some examples of automatic negative thoughts are “I’m stupid,” “I can’t do this,” “They’ll make fun of me,” or “They don’t like me because I’m not slim/smart enough”. Such negative thoughts create anxiety and fear and can affect one’s performance, success, and wellbeing. “The negative thoughts can be overwhelming and dominate how you think and act” (Cunic).

 

An effective way to overcome negative thoughts is to notice your negative thoughts and challenge them. MHA offers a familiar example from the life of adolescents: 

 

When you catch yourself thinking in extremes (e.g., “nobody likes me”, “I’ll never have any friends”), try to challenge your thoughts or find middle ground. Does nobody like you, or do you feel unwanted just by a few people at school? Will you never have friends, or are you just surrounded by the same people you’ve been with for years? Most of us are our own worst critics. 

 

Noticing our negative thoughts which are often marked by excessive use of words such as always, never, impossible, disaster, ruined, and perfect is a signal of thinking in extremes. Negative thinking magnifies minute errors and drives us away from reality robbing us of the happiness of life. 

 

Therefore we must challenge our negative thoughts and replace them with more realistic and balanced ones. 

 

 

 

Notes

1.     Mental Health America (MHA), (2022), 2022 Back-to-School Outreach Toolkit

2.     Arlin Cunic, 2021, Negative Thoughts: How to Stop Them

Teachers’ Day: Humanness the Soul of Education

            India celebrates Teachers’ Day on September 5th. It is an occasion to ponder on our education system. The education system should help the new generation to promote love, peace, respect, and humanness. Without these values, education can produce skilled and professional monsters who hurt and kill others to satiate their evil desires and to gain power, position and wealth. The words of a Jew headmaster who survived a concentration camp are apt to reflect on Teachers’ Day; they can  inspire us. 

Hitler hated the Jews and exterminated some six million of them because they were Jews. One of the Jews who was imprisoned by Hitler could not be killed because the war ended before he could kill all the Jews. That particular Jew later became the headmaster of a school and he told his teachers the following on the reopening day of the school: “I am the survivor of a concentration camp. My eyes saw what no man should have seen: gas chambers built by learned engineers, children poisoned by educated physicians, infants killed by trained nurses, women and babies shot and burned by high school and college students. So, I am afraid of education… My request is: Help your children to become humane. Your efforts should never produce learned monsters, skilled psychopaths and educated Eichmanns (Adolf Eichmann was a German-Austrian, one of the organizers of the holocaust). Reading, writing and arithmetic are important only if they serve to make children more humane.” (Indian Currents)

           Today we need to rethink our education system and examine whether it helps our children to become more humane or greedy officers, dangerous leaders and learned monsters. An effective education system makes students humane. 

 

Notes

T.M. Joseph, Making of a Noble Teacher, Indian Currents.