Running Away from Love

        Humans desire and depend fundamentally on love and affection. Yet, ironically, many of us can keep running away from love. Let me explain. 

Imagine that every time a child steps out of her house to play with her friends, her parents scold and punish her. This child will quickly learn that her desire to play with friends results in pain and punishment. Eventually, she will stop connecting and playing with her friends and even inhibit the desire to play or will become anxious if she feels such desire or sees her friends playing. Paul Gilbert (2013), a renowned clinical psychologist in London, confirms this phenomenon saying, “We can learn to become anxious about our feelings because of how others have responded to them in the past.” Thus, we can learn to become anxious and flee from desires and experiences meant to promote our happiness and wholeness. 

The same principle can apply to our desire and experience of love, too. If you were hurt and betrayed in the past when you loved someone, you are likely to feel anxious when you experience the desire to give and receive love. You can be overwhelmed by the anxiety and excruciating emotions attached to your past disappointing love experience. You can feel deeply disturbed and apprehensive at the possibility of giving and receiving love because of how your brain has linked love to hurt and betrayal. Hence, your desire and need to give and receive love, though legitimate and noble, can make you anxious at any such possibility. You can be cold and resistant and withdraw from persons and situations where love is offered. 

It is important to become aware of what causes you anxiety and withdrawal and to not act blindly driven by your fears but to grasp the present opportunities for love and affection with openness and hope. 

 

Notes

Gilbert, P. (2013). The Compassionate mind. Robinson.