Loneliness: Diabetes of Happiness

Some things hamper human longevity and well-being. Living with air pollution increases our odds of dying early by five percent. Living with obesity, by twenty percent. Excessive drinking, by thirty percent. And living with loneliness? Loneliness increases our odds of dying early by a full forty-five percent!  That’s how harmful loneliness can be to our life.[1]

The human body is equipped to warn us when we face danger and when our ability to thrive is threatened. John Cacioppo, a researcher on loneliness, says that hunger gives a warning that our blood sugar is low, and we need to eat. Thirst signals that our body is experiencing dehydration, and we need to drink. Pain alerts us to potential tissue damage or some other deterioration in our body, and we need to address it. 

Similarly, loneliness tells us that we need social connection. For humans, social connection is as important as food and water. Denying we feel lonely makes no more sense than denying we feel hunger.[2] As feeling hunger and thirst is normal and part of human existence so is feeling loneliness. We do not remain hungry but rather grab something to eat. However, in the case of loneliness, we can choose to remain lonely and so invite disconnection and misery into our life.

Loneliness is like diabetes. Diabetes, if left untreated, affects internal organs gradually but certainly. Likewise, loneliness reduces our longevity and fruitfulness and destroys our peace and wellbeing. Loneliness can befall us because of our own choices, or others’ abandonment, or even due to circumstances beyond our control. Instead of continuing to isolate ourself and suffer loneliness we can choose to respond positively to this warning signal by connecting to trustworthy others and so invite happiness.

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[1] Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227-237. https://doi-org.blume.stmarytx.edu/10.1177/1745691614568352

[2] Cacioppo, J. (2009). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. W.W. Norton & Company.

The Lonely Heart

 

“I am fifty-six and have been divorced for years. When I was still with my husband and told someone I was lonely they responded with “but you’re married.” I have learned the difference between being alone and lonely. In a crowd, at work, even in a family setting, I always feel lonely. It can be overwhelming at times, a physical sensation. My doctors have called it depression, but there is a difference. I read once, you are born alone and you die alone. But what about all the years in between? Can you really belong to someone else? Can you ever resolve the inner feeling of being alone? Shopping won’t do it. Eating won’t do it. Random sex doesn’t make it go away. If and when you find any answers, please write back and tell me.”[1]

The above letter was written by a woman to John Cacioppo, a researcher in cognitive and social neuroscience, who is considered the expert on loneliness. Mother Teresa called “being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for”[2] the greatest disease in the West. It would not be an exaggeration to say that loneliness is the new pandemic of the world and is a threat to individual and community wellbeing in any society. Simply because people live under the same roof, interact with many people, or have thousands of followers does not mean that they are immune to loneliness. 

Often, we lack the courage to acknowledge that we feel lonely because we consider needing others to be weak or shameful. We need to realize that the human heart is lonely without deep and meaningful relationships. Humans are created to connect and to belong to one another. Shopping, food, drugs, or sex cannot fill the void in the human heart. Only truly honest and deep relationships can lead us to contentment and peace. 

 

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[1] Cacioppo, J. (2009). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. W.W. Norton & Company.

[2] Teresa, M. A Simple Path. Compiled by Lucinda Vardey. Ballentine Books

* Image by freepic.com

Standing Alone

Humans love to connect with people and groups, at least with a selected few. Very often, people are willing to sacrifice their originality and self to win over the friendship of others or to fit into groups. Such kinds of connection and fitting-in do not last long, and if they do last, they are not healthy and become a cause of dissatisfaction and emptiness. To be deeply able to connect to others one needs to be genuine in living and expressing oneself. One needs to deeply connect and belong to oneself before one can deeply belong to others. This means that to belong to others one necessarily needs to be able to stand alone. 

Brené Brown says, “Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness…it is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared.”[1] Brown compares standing alone — belonging deeply to oneself — to the experience of wilderness. Throughout human history one notices many monks, saints, spiritual gurus, founders of various spiritualties, and world transformers went into the wilderness to be alone. They had the courage to renounce the desire to please and to fit into society. They dared to stand alone, to understand and to connect with themselves deeply. 

The true experience of belonging to oneself fully does not disconnect one from others rather it enhances the process of belonging to others authentically. The courage to stand alone empowers one to connect to others genuinely and freely and not out of fear, pressure, or desperation. Belonging to self is necessary to develop healthy belongingness with others and to live an enriching life. 

Only the one who can stand alone can stand with others.

 

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[1] Brown, Brené (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House.

* Image - courtesy of freepic.com 

The Shopping Bag Lady

            I was privileged to spend a few days at Daylesford Norbertine Abbey, Pennsylvania, to reconnect with myself in silence and reflection. The abbot Domenic Rossi was instrumental in establishing the Bethesda Project, shelters in Philadelphia for homeless people who were often struggling with substance abuse and mental issues. He was kind and found time to talk to me. He gifted me his book, Listening to God’s Whispers,[1]  to help me find answers to some of my questions. Among many things in the book, one that touched my heart was the story of the shopping bag lady who invited me to enter into the insecurities of others. Perhaps this story can inspire you too. 

Angie was the first homeless lady to come and stay at the shelter. She amused people with her colorful, bizarre, and unfiltered commentaries. She came to the shelter with fifty-one bags that she carried with her all the time. She carried in her bags things like a year-old receipt for a jar of mayonnaise she purchased — the things we would consider trash. She preserved the receipt to prove that “she didn’t steal it.” Angie’s bags were stuffed with many similar things. 

One of the volunteers, Phyllis Martin, tried to help Angie to reduce the number of her bags. Angie was beginning to trust Phyllis and allowed her to sort her stuff. Everything was going fine until, suddenly, Angie started to scream, “Where is my tea bag?” To reassure her and not to break the budding trust, Phyllis said, “I’ll find it, don’t worry.” 

Phyllis was a classy woman and the wife of the director of antibiotic research at Merck Pharmaceuticals. Phyllis did not know if it was a new or used tea bag. She started rummaging through the trash in the dumpster next to their building trying to find the tea bag that she had inadvertently thrown away. While she was rummaging, she overheard two passersby talking about her, “how sad it was that people had to live like this.” Phyllis chuckled to herself. 

Phyllis did not find the tea bag and returned to Angie to express her regret. Angie seeing that this really distressed Phyllis, said, “That’s okay deary.” That day Phyllis was able to reduce Angie’s bags from fifty-one to eighteen and later to just three bags. 

Love sometimes invites us “to enter into the world of another’s insecurities and obsession.” Phyllis accepted the invitation of love and by entering into the insecurities and obsession of Angie, Phyllis could reduce the burdens of Angie and bring healing to her. Can we dare to accept the invitation of love to enter compassionately into the insecurities and messiness of others rather than lecturing them how to organize their life. It is in entering into the brokenness of others that we can bring healing to them. 

 

 

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[1] Rossi D. (2009). Listening to God’s Whispers: A Personal Journey.