Overcoming Sadness

Do you feel sad? You would answer, “Of course, yes — human beings sometimes feel sad.” Take a moment to reflect on the context and reasons for what makes you sad. 

We may have health issues and other hurting situations that can make us sad. Or, sadness can be due to our faulty and inadequate ways of thinking and relating to the world. Two such ways that are not healthy and lead to disappointment, frustration, and sadness are over-dependency and the tendency to cling. 

The wise monk, Anselm Gruen says, “We overcome sadness by fleeing dependency on the world, by letting go of what we are clinging to, and by setting ourselves free.” As infants, we were completely dependent on our mothers or other caregivers. Gradually, we learned to rely on ourselves and manage our own lives. We grew up to be interdependent, not just dependent, which is a healthy style of functioning. But, if we still depend on others for support that others cannot offer us and things we should be able to manage on our own, then we are likely to get frustrated, cynical, and sad. On other occasions, given the nature of people being imperfect, they may fail to offer us the support they are capable of and that we genuinely need. Are we prepared to embrace the dimension of human imperfection in what we expect and how we relate to the world? 

As children, we would cling to our toys, food, or our caregivers. And it was natural and fine. As we grew up, we learned to let go and we became open to trying new and age-relevant experiences. However, the tendency to cling that we develop in childhood does not fully go away. We might have replaced our toys with clothes, gadgets, vehicles, status, education, people, or a certain type of self-image that we must protect. Clinging to anything causes fear of losing it and makes us worried and anxious. Moreover, material things and even people can offer gratification and support only to a certain extent; clinging to them and expecting more than they can give lead to misery and emptiness. Clinging becomes an obstacle for us to experience what is new, relevant, and important in life. Can we continue to let go of what is no longer relevant, healthy, and needed? 

Over-dependency and the tendency to cling block us from opening ourselves up to beautiful and valuable experiences that await us. When we set ourselves free of over-dependence on others or on things and of the tendency to cling to things, facades, or people, we can overcome our sadness and find meaning and joy in our lives. 

 

 

Notes

Gruen, A. (1999). Heaven begins within you. A Crossroad Book.

Sadness Cannot Weep

Feeling sad is a normal reaction to difficult and painful experiences. However, if you feel sad often or for a prolonged period and it starts affecting your everyday life, it could be a sign of something more serious, such as depression or a negative outlook on life.

Unrealistic beliefs about life and exaggerated expectations can lead to an inner sadness that consumes life. It is important to differentiate between sadness and sorrow. According to Evagrius the Solitary, sorrow is a necessary part of human growth, involving processing experiences of loss, while sadness is self-pity and is unproductive. Sorrow can weep but sadness cannot weep. Tears of sorrow can be transformed into tears of joy but sadness, based on unrealistic expectations, is whiny, wallowing in self-pity and a cynical outlook on life.[1]

Evagrius states, “People take refuge in self-pity when their wishes are not fulfilled. Sadness often conceals exaggerated wishes for life.”[2]  If you find yourself often feeling sad, it is important to review and adjust your expectations from family, friends, and life, in general. For example, it is unrealistic to expect your friend to help you every time you are in need. If you are in a relationship, you may expect your significant other to be always available for you. It is important to recognize that your friend or your significant other is only human and not all-powerful, so may not be able to support you all the time. Understanding that your expectations may not always be met and accepting this as a normal part of life can lead to inner peace.

It is a lifelong process to move toward realistic understandings and healthy beliefs about life and others. Spending time in solitude and soul-searching with honest and genuine people can help enhance your self-awareness. This, in turn, can help you align your expectations and beliefs with what is healthier and more realistic.

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[1] Gruen, A. (1999). Heaven begins within you. A Crossroad Book.

[2] Gruen, A. (1999). Heaven begins within you. 

Homeless at Home

         People desire to be accepted and loved, regardless of their age. During the pre-teen and teen years, the longing to belong to a group and have friends is particularly strong. If children at school or in their neighborhood are not accepted by their peers and are not included in games and activities, they feel sadness. However, the feeling of rejection is even stronger when they do not feel accepted at home. One student said, “Not belonging at school is really hard. But it’s nothing compared to what it feels like when you don’t belong at home.” [1]

Brene Brown asked eighth graders what they meant by not belonging at home. They said:

•          Not living up to your parents’ expectations

•          Not being as cool or popular as your parents want you to be

•          Not being good at the same things your parents were good at

•          Your parents being embarrassed because you don’t have enough friends or you’re not an athlete or a cheerleader

•          Your parents not liking who you are and what you like to do

•          When your parents don’t pay attention to your life[2]

The sharing by the eighth graders should make parents reflect on whether their expectations of their kids are impractical and unhealthy. Do they put so much pressure on their children that they feel unaccepted as they are? What is the benefit of forcing your children to become professionals, or to achieve something, if it means losing your relationship with them? 

Parents have a responsibility to guide their children, but their instruction should not become so unrealistic that their children feel homeless in their own homes.

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[1] Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness (p. 160). Random House.

[2] Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness (p. 160).

Do Not Put People in Boxes

We learn many good things from our society and culture. We can also learn harmful practices from them. One of the most detrimental things that we can learn from our family, society, or culture is stereotypes about people belonging to other groups, such as language, state, color, faith, race, profession, and nationality. There was an experiment conducted by the New Hope Church that invites us to focus on the similarities rather than the differences in people. 

Before you continue reading, I encourage you to watch the video “Don’t Put People in Boxes”.

When we label people according to their language, faith, culture, or any other characteristic, we create barriers between us. We confine them to categories and either ignore them or choose not to interact with them respectfully and kindly. As discrimination intensifies, we not only use and encourage derogatory and hate speech against specific groups, but we may also tragically begin to harm them.

We are different in many ways from each other, but we are more alike than we realize. We all have red blood and a heart that beats to give and receive love. We feel hunger and thirst. We feel pain when hurt and joy when with dear ones. Inside, we are the same.

We are all created by God. God resides in the being of each one of us. Can we start recognizing the elements that make us one? Can we stop putting people in boxes?

 

Notes

New Hope Church, Don’t Put People in Boxes.

My Screen, My Life!

Social media is a double-edged sword. It can foster relationships or induce isolation. The impact of social media largely depends on our intentions, expectations, and reality-checking abilities. [1] Social media is helpful when it cultivates connections that lead to real friendship and community where there is purpose, meaning, and real-life contact. The use of social media that draws people away from the real world into an imaginary perfect world is a road to isolation and mental illness.  

In-person relationships are essential for true belonging, happiness, and human thriving. Susan Pinker, a well-known Canadian developmental psychologist, writer, and the author of the famous book The Village Effect: How Face-to-face Contact Can Make Us Healthier, Happier, and Smarter, says: 

“In a short evolutionary time, we have changed from group-living primates skilled at reading each other’s every gesture and intention to a solitary species, each one of us preoccupied with our own screen.” [2]

Today, many people seem to be living by the motto “My screen, my life.” Being glued to our screens for long hours takes us away from the real people around us. Pinker writes, “Neglecting to keep in close contact with people who are important to you is at least as dangerous to your health as a pack-a-day cigarette habit, hypertension, or obesity.”[3] In contrast, in-person interactions are proven to boost the immune system, release positive hormones, and help people live longer.   

The current generation has made great advancements in areas like medicine, technology, and transportation. However, we are losing our ability to connect on a human level. It is tragic to have everything but to lose our connections with others. Close and in-person interactions are essential not only for human flourishing but for survival too. It is high time that we started shifting our focus from screens to the beautiful real-life faces around us.

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[1] Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. Random House

[2] Pinker, S. (2014). The Village Effect: How Face-to-face Contact Can Make Us Healthier, Happier, and Smarter. Spiegel & Grau.

[3] Pinker, S. (2014). The Village Effect: How Face-to-face Contact Can Make Us Healthier, Happier, and Smarter.