Intimacy happens between equals. When partners are not equal, fear and submission take over. As Richard Rohr observes, “It is almost impossible to fall in love with majesty, power, or perfection.” Those qualities turn us into servants, admirers, or devotees but seldom into true lovers. Psychologists Jean Baker Miller and Judith Jordan explain why: genuine closeness requires the courage to stand side by side, sharing power with one another rather than holding power over one another. When someone stands above us, we instinctively protect ourselves—hiding our true feelings and trying to please rather than truly connecting. We simply cannot open our hearts while we are afraid.
The end goal of intimacy is not servitude, but falling in love. Perhaps this is why Christianity teaches that God became human in Jesus—one among us and equal to us. Had God remained on a distant throne of majesty and power, we might have obeyed out of fear, but we could never have fallen in love. By becoming human, God had the courage to step down and meet us at eye level. Jesus named this shift in the Gospel of John (15:15), telling his disciples he no longer called them servants, because a servant does not know the master’s heart. Instead, he called them friends, openly sharing with them everything from the Father’s heart.
St. Francis of Assisi understood this deep secret: true intimacy requires lowering oneself to the level of the other. He chose a life rooted in poverty so he could see the face of Jesus in the least, such as lepers and the marginalized. For Francis, poverty was not ugly or merely a sacrifice to please God; she was a lady more beautiful than others, whom he decided to marry. By choosing poverty, Francis lowered himself to the level of the naked Jesus hanging on the cross. Relating as an equal, he deeply loved God, others, and all creation—welcoming the sun, moon, stars, water, and trees as his brothers and sisters.
All people long for intimacy, the ultimate union, even when we are not seeking it consciously. Having the courage to become vulnerable, not powerful; simple, not majestic; and human, not perfectionist, is the key to cultivating true intimacy with friends, partners, and God.
Notes
Jordan, J. V. (2018). Relational–cultural therapy (2nd ed.). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000063-000
Miller, J. B., & Stiver, I. P. (1997). The healing connection: How women form relationships in therapy and in life. Beacon Press.
Rohr, R. (2013). Immortal diamond: The search for our true self. Jossey-Bass.
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Explore this theme in three different formats—each offering a unique way to reflect and engage:
🎥 Video: https://youtu.be/7iVgaZI3CnA
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📄 Article: https://lifespring-wholeness.blogspot.com/2026/09/intimacy-courage-to-be-equal.html
📱 Short: https://youtube.com/shorts/B1ozgUA028g?feature=share
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John Baptist OFM Cap.
Pastoral Clinical Counselor
San Antonio, TX, USA