Gaslighting: Manipulation in a Relationship

What is gaslighting? The term originated from Patrick Hamilton’s original 1939 stage play ‘Gaslight’[1] and was later made famous in the 1944 movie ‘Gaslighting’[2]. In the story, a husband emotionally manipulates his wife by falsifying small instances of the environment and tries to convince her that she’s insane by causing her to question herself and her reality. 

“Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves”[3]. The victims of gaslighting may end up doubting their memory, their perception, their self-worth, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, damaging understanding of inner worth and making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth. 

Gaslighting creates a negative narrative about the gaslightee (victim) and an unequal power dynamic between partners. Ultimately gaslighting enables a gaslighter to control the mind of the victim/s and to continue to abuse them psychologically which can include physical and sexual abuse. Gradually, gaslightees assume that they are responsible for their messy relationship and that their partner is justified in abusing them. Sadly, the victims of gaslighting can end up losing their self-worth and having a dependent and fragile identity. 

“In its milder forms gaslighting creates a subtle but inequitable power dynamic in a relationship with the gaslightee subjected to the gaslighter’s unreasonable rather than fact-based scrutiny, judgment, or micro-aggression[4]. Gaslighting can occur among friends, in romantic relationships, at the workplace, or within an entire society.

A gaslighter initially lies about simple things but the volume of implanting doubt in the mind of a gaslightee soon grows. Consequently a gaslightee may start apologizing for things that are not his/her fault or plead with the gaslighter for love and to continue the relationship. When a gaslighter is caught having an affair he/she may accuse the victim of being suspicious, possessive, and immature. A gaslighter can become furious or stonewall when asked for clarification. A gaslighter may typically deploy occasional positive reinforcement to confuse the victim but ultimately to exploit the gaslightee. 

Some tactics[5] employed by a gaslighter are:

“I never said that; you made that up”.

“It is you who made me do the things I do”.

“It’s your fault”.

“Why are you so suspicious; you are attacking me”.

“You are too emotional”.

Gaslighting is prevalent more than one imagines. Therefore one needs to be aware of gaslighting and guard oneself against becoming its victim or using it to victimize others.

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[1] 10 Examples of What Gaslighting Sounds Like

[2] Gaslight Movie

[3] Gaslighting

[4] 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship

[5] 10 Examples of What Gaslighting Sounds Like

Empathy: Glue of Relationships

People get hurt in life. Hurt people tend to hurt others and even themselves unless they embark on a healing journey of the self. Often, living with people who are empathic helps hurt people begin the process of healing. Since the experience of hurt is universal, the need for empathy is also universal. Empathy is the glue that has the power to hold together and heal broken people and relationships.  

Individuals living in a family, religious community or in any other setup can encounter people who are hurt, some of them very deeply. Apart from experiencing debilitating hurts there can be other hurts that though minor, still disrupt the daily functioning and joy of life. Experiences of hurt can reduce an individual’s capacity to trust and engage with others deeply, freely, and honestly. Empathy can be the therapeutic glue that can hold together broken and aching relationships and lead them to heal. 

Heinz Kohut witnessed the power of empathy and said, “It [empathy] is the agency by which souls are restored. It is the glue that holds a broken person together until they begin to heal, and then it becomes the nourishment that keeps them going, keeps them striving to live fully and vibrantly”.[i] The curative glue of empathy holds persons and relationships together that are hurt and fragmented. Empathic encounters can become a powerful means of holding, healing, and growth for ailing relationships and for whatever is broken in human spirits. 

There is hope; every hurt person and broken relationship can experience healing and growth. Empathy helps people not only to heal but also to grow in maturity, wisdom, and grace. The words of Kohut himself are fitting to conclude: “the mark of a mature and transformed self is the ability to live each day with broad, encompassing empathy for others and oneself”.[ii]

Let the glue of empathy be in our families and communities to bring healing and grace to ourselves and others. 

 

Notes

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[i] Heinz Kohut in Grace for the Injured Self by Terry Cooper and Robert Randall, Pickwick Publications: Oregon, 2011

[ii] Heinz Kohut in Grace for the Injured Self by Terry Cooper and Robert Randall

Empathy Heals

Heinz Kohut[1] (1913-1981), the founder of Self Psychology, envisioned “empathy as the essence of humanity…it means to be human is to be empathic”. Kohut viewed empathy as more than a psychological tool to collect data of the inner world of the suffering person. For him empathy was the core and height of being human and a means of bringing healing and cure to wounded individuals. According to Kohut a person who is not empathic is not really human. It is not uncommon to get hurt in life and to interact and live with people who are hurt. Empathy is important, rather crucial, not only in counseling settings but also in healing and nurturing our every relationship.

Empathy is the door to the inner world of the other person. One of my professors in the USA aptly described empathy as “Your heart beating in my chest”. Empathy enables one to understand the experiences of the other person as he or she undergoes them without any bias. Kohut defined empathy as ‘vicarious introspection’. Vicarious introspection is the process in which we enter into the inner world of the other person and understand his/her experiences, particularly the painful ones, as if having the heart of the one who suffers. Empathy is not only feeling the pain of the other but is also a compassionate and non-judgmental process to understand the layers lying underneath the suffering or destructive behavior of the other. Feeling the pain of the suffering person can bring solace and support to the suffering individual but if the process of deep healing has to take place then the accompanying person needs to develop vicarious introspection. Vicarious introspection is the ability to compassionately understand the roots of suffering of the other and pave the way for healing for the wounded person from deep within. 

Empathic persons are wise. A caring understanding of the underlying roots of pain leads to wisdom that helps one to accompany the suffering person in ways that heal. Therefore, anyone who desires to bring healing to others and wants to repair, heal, and nurture his/her relationships needs to grow in empathy.

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[1] Heinz Kohut in Grace for the Injured Self by Terry Cooper and Robert Randall, Pickwick Publications: Oregon, 2011