A Bill of Assertive Rights

Manuel Smith begins his book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty with a bill of assertive rights. The insights imbibed from his statements can allow you to recognize your human dignity and uphold it without any need to defend it. Knowing your assertive rights can help you avoid any manipulation by others and take responsibility for your thoughts, choices, and decisions. You can be empowered to express your choices and speak up for what you believe. You do not have to fake yourself and become a puppet of others’ manipulative words and drama. 

Smith’s bill of assertive rights[1] follows: 

      I.         You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.

     II.         You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.

   III.         You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.

   IV.         You have the right to change your mind.

    V.         You have the right to make mistakes—and be responsible for them.

   VI.         You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”

 VII.         You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.

VIII.         You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

   IX.         You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”

     X.         You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”

           The above ten statements can help you to become genuine and honest with your thoughts, feelings, and needs. You do not need to please others for fear of risking their love and support. Pleasing others is nothing but slavery. As long as you please others, they might be okay with you (though that also is not certain). But when you cannot fulfil any of their demands, you will be instantly rejected. Know for certain that you cannot fulfill all their demands and that eventually you will find yourself discarded. Recognize that “You have the right to say no, without feeling guilty.”[2] If you cannot say ‘no’, your ‘yes’ has no value. If you cannot risk being disliked, you will never be truly loved.[3]

The bill taught by Smith invites you to own your feelings and choices, honestly express them, and courageously say no when someone manipulates you with their aggression, reasoning, or emotions. 

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[1] Smith, M (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope — Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy. Bantam Books. 

[2] Ibid.

[3] McLaren, Brian. 

Fogging: The Art of Handling Critics Calmly

There are blessings living with others but there are challenges too. One such challenge is having people in your life who criticize and hurt you with their sharp, disrespectful, dehumanizing language. Sometimes you have the option to get away from them but not always. Unfortunately, there may be someone who often finds fault with you and puts you down. Humiliating words can cause you intense anxiety and sadness, taking away the joy of living. “Fogging,” a technique shared by Manuel Smith (1975) in his book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,[1] can prove helpful in dealing with people who seem harsh and hurtful. 

           What is fogging? If you have experienced fog, then it will be easy to grasp the characteristics of this technique. Fog is calm and persistent; it has no solid surface to offer resistance and does not fight back.[2]  If you throw a stone at fog, the stone goes through it, but the fog is unaffected. The fog does not retaliate with another stone and even offers no resistance, enabling the attacker to pick up the same stone and throw it again. Very quickly, the attacker will realize the futility of throwing stones at the fog. 

Fogging is a psychological assertive communication skill that uses self-awareness, calmness, friendliness, and respect. You can assertively and serenely cope with the critical statements thrown at you by removing any hard psychological striking surface.[3] Smith instructs people not to deny criticism, or get defensive, or counterattack. You can agree with your critic on any piece of truth in their statements, however tiny it might be, and help disarm them.

Fogging requires a fogger to listen and respond to only what their critic says and not what is implied. When you stop reading a critic’s mind and stop thinking what their criticism implies then you will be like fog, calm and without any resistant surface. Often, it is the implied meaning that makes you defend yourself and counterattack or withdraw from the person. 

The examples below can make this technique clear.

o   Critic: You don’t know how to behave.

Fogger: Yeah, that’s right, sometimes I don’t know how to behave. I am learning. (Here the truth accepted is that the fogger is not perfect and is in the process of growth.)

o   Critic: You are always late (angrily).

Fogger: Yes, it is true that I got late today by 10 minutes. (Only the true part is accepted, and no attempt is made to defend oneself.)

Fogging can prove an effective technique, particularly with critics who are members of your family or community. I wish you pleasant fogging!

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[1] Smith, M (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope — Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy. Bantam Books. 

[2] Smith, M (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope — Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy.

[3] Smith, M (1975). 

Broken Belongingness

Buddha said life is suffering. Suffering can come in various ways — through broken relationships, injustice, exploitation, poverty, disease, and death. All these cause pain and can lead to suffering. One of the most excruciating pains is caused by broken relationships. When a relationship breaks it hurts because our sense of belonging is crushed. It is very hard for humans to live without belonging. The human brain is wired for love and belongingness. Without belongingness we can feel rootless. We can find ourselves like a dry leaf in the wind with nowhere to connect. 

The lack of belonging breaks a person from inside. Externally a person might appear happy and active but from within he or she can profusely bleed in spirit. Brene Brown in her book, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, depicts such an experience as having a broken heart, spirit, and self-worth.[1] The pain of not belonging is always great and it pierces even the human spirit.

The pain of not belonging can be greater when one is a child. If a child feels that his or her parents do not care and support him or her, particularly in moments of failure and pain, the child can develop a sense that he or she is unwanted, worthless, and does not belong. The sense of worthlessness and lack of belonging can persist and can make it difficult for such individuals to build trust and feel valued in relationships even in later years. 

The pain of not belonging can deeply hurt and is constantly present beneath the skin. One way individuals try to find relief from such pain is by numbing it.[2] The pain of not belonging is so intense that individuals find it hard to be with themselves. Thus, they need to constantly numb themselves so that the pain is not felt. People can try to numb the pain of not belonging by using alcohol, drugs, food, sex, work, or by engaging in peripheral relationships. Unfortunately, the numbing works, but only for a while, and the pain is there again. Any amount of running from pain cannot offer a solution for the lack of belongingness. Any type of unhealthy attachment to something is a compensation for something broken within, often this is damaged belongingness. 

Numbing oneself does not heal the pain of not belonging but leads to addiction. There is a way but it is a hard one. One needs to acknowledge the pain of broken relationships, feel it, and take the brave step to once again be open to the healing power of love and belongingness. 

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[1] Brene B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. Random House.

[2] Brene B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. Random House.

Six Markers of an Intimate Relationship

          Individuals are drawn to live together especially in intimate relationships since ages. Approximately 80% of people live as couples. The intimate relationship offers some very essential benefits to couples. The following six benefits are markers of a happy and healthy intimate relationship.[1] 

Care 

           Care is an important aspect of any good relationship particularly an intimate one. Care assures you that someone is concerned about your well-being and is willing to do their best to alleviate your pain. 

Protection

           Individuals in family and community protect each other from physical, emotional, social, and environmental dangers. The need to protect each other is higher in people who live in intimate relationships. Individuals can value protecting the other to the extent of losing their own life. 

Affection

           Affection involves expressing one’s love and fondness for the other through verbal and physical means. Affection can include hugging, kissing, holding hands, endearing words, and reassurance when the other is down. A healthy development of human beings requires giving and receiving affection. 

Opportunities for Development

           Friends, particularly partners, support each other by helping to pursue dreams and growth in their lives. Supporting the other’s development can include their career, health, social life, spirituality, hobbies, and passions. 

Pleasure (Ananda)

           Psychology has long focused on the connection of pleasure to happiness.[2] Human beings are motivated to avoid pain and increase positive feelings. Indian philosophy calls pleasure ananda. Ananda can be experienced by gratifying needs such as hunger, thirst, knowledge, and sex. One can experience ananda just by being in the presence of a loved one or God. 

Procreation

           From the perspectives of evolution, anthropological philosophy, and religion, procreation is one of the important dimensions of people living as couples. Individuals and cultures on the whole feel the need to extend their selves by begetting children and by nurturing the little ones. 

Research and human experience show that isolation is not good for human beings. Therefore people experience a strong driving force to connect to other people and build healthy relationships particularly intimate ones. 

Individuals in intimate relationships who practice these markers can boost their personal and relational well-being. 

 

 

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[1] The six benefits of intimate relationship are ideas that I heard from one of my professors.  

[2] Kringelbach, M. L. & Berridge, K. C. (2010). The Neuroscience of Happiness and Pleasure. Social Research, 77(2), 659–678.