Fogging: The Art of Handling Critics Calmly

There are blessings living with others but there are challenges too. One such challenge is having people in your life who criticize and hurt you with their sharp, disrespectful, dehumanizing language. Sometimes you have the option to get away from them but not always. Unfortunately, there may be someone who often finds fault with you and puts you down. Humiliating words can cause you intense anxiety and sadness, taking away the joy of living. “Fogging,” a technique shared by Manuel Smith (1975) in his book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,[1] can prove helpful in dealing with people who seem harsh and hurtful. 

           What is fogging? If you have experienced fog, then it will be easy to grasp the characteristics of this technique. Fog is calm and persistent; it has no solid surface to offer resistance and does not fight back.[2]  If you throw a stone at fog, the stone goes through it, but the fog is unaffected. The fog does not retaliate with another stone and even offers no resistance, enabling the attacker to pick up the same stone and throw it again. Very quickly, the attacker will realize the futility of throwing stones at the fog. 

Fogging is a psychological assertive communication skill that uses self-awareness, calmness, friendliness, and respect. You can assertively and serenely cope with the critical statements thrown at you by removing any hard psychological striking surface.[3] Smith instructs people not to deny criticism, or get defensive, or counterattack. You can agree with your critic on any piece of truth in their statements, however tiny it might be, and help disarm them.

Fogging requires a fogger to listen and respond to only what their critic says and not what is implied. When you stop reading a critic’s mind and stop thinking what their criticism implies then you will be like fog, calm and without any resistant surface. Often, it is the implied meaning that makes you defend yourself and counterattack or withdraw from the person. 

The examples below can make this technique clear.

o   Critic: You don’t know how to behave.

Fogger: Yeah, that’s right, sometimes I don’t know how to behave. I am learning. (Here the truth accepted is that the fogger is not perfect and is in the process of growth.)

o   Critic: You are always late (angrily).

Fogger: Yes, it is true that I got late today by 10 minutes. (Only the true part is accepted, and no attempt is made to defend oneself.)

Fogging can prove an effective technique, particularly with critics who are members of your family or community. I wish you pleasant fogging!

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[1] Smith, M (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope — Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy. Bantam Books. 

[2] Smith, M (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope — Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy.

[3] Smith, M (1975).