"If I Had Only" Trap

Bad things happen—sickness, separation, and death are inevitable parts of life. We often try to make sense of painful events by searching for their causes, and one common way we do this is by blaming ourselves. As Rabbi Harold Kushner noted, we might think, “Maybe if I had only acted differently, this misfortune would not have happened.”

Examples of this faulty belief include:

• Maybe if I had been nicer to my friend, the friendship wouldn’t have ended.
• Maybe if I had made a different decision, my business wouldn’t have failed.
• Maybe if I hadn’t allowed them to go out, the accident wouldn’t have happened.
• Maybe if I had been a better wife, the divorce wouldn’t have occurred.
• Maybe if I had taken my mom to a different hospital, she wouldn’t have died.

These thoughts reflect the false belief that “every misfortune is our fault, the direct result of our mistakes or misbehavior” (Kushner). But this simply is not true. “We are really not that powerful. Not everything that happens in the world is our doing” (Kushner).

Sometimes relationships end because people are selfish, incompatible, or have different paths. Sometimes businesses fail due to external economic conditions, not poor decisions. And sometimes people die, not because of a particular doctor or hospital, but because the illness is incurable.

No one is exempt from experiencing sickness, separation, or death. Unpleasant things happen despite our best intentions and efforts. To find peace and live meaningfully, we must gather the broken pieces and let go of the irrational belief that every misfortune is our fault.

Notes

Kushner H. S. (1981). When bad things happen to good people (p. 113). Anchor Books.