The Eternal Youth Trap: Escaping the Illusion of Forever Young

 

In many modern cultures, especially those that consider themselves progressive, there’s a growing temptation to remain trapped in the illusion of eternal youth. Adulthood is now often idealized as staying perpetually a "boy" or "girl." As Ronald Rolheiser notes, society equates maturity with preserving a youthful look and spirit. The "eternal boy" embodies carefree freedom, avoiding deep commitments, while the "eternal girl" is idolized for her slim figure, resisting the natural changes of aging. This skewed notion of adulthood promotes a superficial self-image and hinders true personal growth.

Rolheiser challenges this narrative, urging us to view adulthood as an invitation to meaningful roles—becoming parents, grandparents, and elders who embrace the natural signs of aging like gray hair and extra body weight. It is about stepping into a life of responsibility, where we not only take care of our own needs but also contribute to the wider community, prioritizing deeper, more substantial values over superficial ones.

Our cultural fixation on youthfulness is driven by industries that profit from our insecurities: fashion, cosmetic enhancements, the film industry, and media influence. They perpetuate the illusion that eternal adolescence is both achievable and desirable. This has led many to cling to a state of adolescence well into their later years, avoiding the transition to mature adulthood. As a result, they miss the chance to grow beyond the fleeting beauty of youth and develop into wise, contributing members of society (Rolheiser).

Rolheiser powerfully states, “Mature adults carry the young and take on the responsibilities that sustain families, communities, and society.” True maturity means rejecting the trap of eternal youth and embracing the natural aging process with grace. Instead of resisting change, mature adults invest their energy in commitments and meaningful relationships. By letting go of the illusion of perpetual youth, they use their experience and wisdom to strengthen the community, becoming the essential pillars for future generations.

 

Notes, 

Rolheiser, R. (2014). Sacred fire: A vision for a deeper human and Christian maturity. Image, pp. 42-43.

The Hidden Gifts of Unanswered Prayers

Life is a mix of both positive and negative experiences. Unpleasant events, such as illness, accidents, job loss, separation, and death, can cause us to lose hope, patience, connection, and joy. In moments when we feel drained, angry, or overwhelmed by these challenges, we might find ourselves questioning what will help us through (Kushner, 1981). In such times, many of us turn to prayer for guidance.

We often pray to God to heal our loved ones or ourselves, or we ask for solutions to the problems we face. Yet, despite our prayers and those of our family and friends, it may seem like our requests go unanswered—the circumstances remain unchanged, or the sick continue to suffer or even pass away. When our prayers seem unanswered, we might wonder, “If God can’t make my sickness go away, what good is He?” (Kushner, 1981). It’s crucial to understand that while God may not resolve our problems with miracles, He can give us the strength to persevere even when we are sick, scared, or feeling hopeless. In moments when we are depleted of hope and energy, we can find renewed strength in God.

Prayer does not always provide a miraculous cure for illness, repair a broken relationship, or avert a tragedy. As Kushner suggests, prayer can achieve three significant things: First, it can help us discover the hidden hope and strength within ourselves. Second, it can connect us with others, allowing us to feel the support and companionship of those around us. Third, prayer reassures us that God is with us, sharing in our pain and struggles.

From this perspective, prayer is never futile. Even prayers that seem unanswered hold value, offering us precious gifts. They help us uncover courage, hope, and deeper connections with others, while drawing us closer to God's companionship.

Notes

Kushner H. S. (1981). When bad things happen to good people (p. 142-143). Anchor Books.

"If I Had Only" Trap

Bad things happen—sickness, separation, and death are inevitable parts of life. We often try to make sense of painful events by searching for their causes, and one common way we do this is by blaming ourselves. As Rabbi Harold Kushner noted, we might think, “Maybe if I had only acted differently, this misfortune would not have happened.”

Examples of this faulty belief include:

• Maybe if I had been nicer to my friend, the friendship wouldn’t have ended.
• Maybe if I had made a different decision, my business wouldn’t have failed.
• Maybe if I hadn’t allowed them to go out, the accident wouldn’t have happened.
• Maybe if I had been a better wife, the divorce wouldn’t have occurred.
• Maybe if I had taken my mom to a different hospital, she wouldn’t have died.

These thoughts reflect the false belief that “every misfortune is our fault, the direct result of our mistakes or misbehavior” (Kushner). But this simply is not true. “We are really not that powerful. Not everything that happens in the world is our doing” (Kushner).

Sometimes relationships end because people are selfish, incompatible, or have different paths. Sometimes businesses fail due to external economic conditions, not poor decisions. And sometimes people die, not because of a particular doctor or hospital, but because the illness is incurable.

No one is exempt from experiencing sickness, separation, or death. Unpleasant things happen despite our best intentions and efforts. To find peace and live meaningfully, we must gather the broken pieces and let go of the irrational belief that every misfortune is our fault.

Notes

Kushner H. S. (1981). When bad things happen to good people (p. 113). Anchor Books.

When Comfort Hurts: Insights from Job’s Comforters

“Job's comforters” is a phrase that originates from the Bible, specifically the Book of Job—a masterpiece on understanding suffering. It refers to people who, instead of providing genuine comfort during difficult times, offer judgment, blame, or unhelpful advice that adds to one's suffering.

In the story, Job is a righteous man who suffers immense personal loss and physical affliction. Job’s three friends visit him to offer comfort. However, they end up blaming Job for his misfortunes, suggesting that his suffering must be due to some hidden sin. Rather than consoling him, they make his ordeal worse. Theologian Harold Kushner comments on this, saying, “He needed physical comforting, people sharing their strength with him, holding him rather than scolding him.”

We often encounter individuals who suffer in various ways. When offering comfort to them, we need to ensure that our words and actions do not spring from our own fears, needs, or feelings—nor from a desire to defend God (God can defend Himself). Otherwise, we risk making things worse.

To make our interactions more compassionate, Rabbi Kushner suggests avoiding behaviors such as minimizing the mourner’s pain, rejecting their feelings, or being critical. Below are examples of responses to avoid:

Minimizing the Mourner’s Pain

·       “It is for your best.”

·       “Things could have been worse.”

Rejecting the Feelings of Pain

·       “We have no right to question God.”

·       “God must love you; that’s why you are selected for this pain.”

Being Critical of the Mourner

·       “Don’t take it to heart.”

·       “Hold your tears and be strong.”

·       “Don’t be sad; you are upsetting people.”

To be truly helpful to those who suffer, we need to set aside our own concerns and agendas, genuinely seeking to understand what the other person is going through. In this understanding—and in making the pain of others our own—we may offer genuine comfort.

 

Notes

Kushner H. S. (1981). When bad things happen to good people (pp. 99-100). Anchor Books.