Positive Self-talk

The way you talk to yourself can impact your self-esteem and everything you do. “The effect can be good or bad depending on whether your self-talk is positive or negative” (ReachOut). 

 

This article sheds light on self-talk, the distinction between positive and negative self-talk, and two ways to improve your self-talk. 

 

What is Self-talk?

Do you self-talk? Yes, you are already practising self-talk, only you may not be aware of it. “Self-talk is basically your inner voice, the voice in your mind that says the things you don’t necessarily say out loud” (ReachOut). Often, there is a running commentary going on in your mind by your inner commentator. 

 

Your self-talk shapes how you feel about who you are and how you understand your situations, and how you relate with others. 

 

The Difference Between Positive and Negative Self-talk

Positive self-talk is an optimistic voice in your head that always looks on the bright side (ReachOut). Positive self-talk makes you feel good about yourself and the things that are going on in your life. 

 

Examples: ‘I am doing the best I can’, ‘I can make it through this exam’, ‘I don’t feel great right now, but things could be worse', ‘It is painful and rough now, but things will surely change’.

 

“Negative self-talk makes you feel pretty crappy about yourself and the things that are going on. It can put a downer on anything, even something good” (ReachOut). 

 

Examples: ‘I should be doing better’, ‘Everyone thinks I’m an idiot’, ‘Everything’s crap’, ‘Nothing’s ever going to get better’, ‘Nobody really cares about me’. 

 

“Negative self-talk tends to make people pretty miserable” (ReachOut) and impacts your moods, what you do, and even your mental and physical health. 

 

So, it is important that you change your negative self-talk to positive self-talk.

 

Two Effective Ways to Enhance Positive Self-talk

Here are two effective ways to grow in positive self-talk. Everyone has strengths and (many!) good qualities. What do you like or appreciate about yourself? Write these things down so that you have a running list to add more to as you think of them! 

 

If coming up with specific things feels too hard right now, try repeating basic affirmations, like ‘I am strong’, I am good’, I am lovable’, ‘I am valuable’, or “I matter.” 

 

You can also ask a friend or loved one what they think are your best qualities to get you started (MHA).

 

Notes

ReachOut, 3 Ways to Talk to Yourself

Mental Health America (MHA), (2022), 2022 Back-to-School Outreach Toolkit

Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

My recent article, Tips for Building Self-esteem, reflected on the factor of ‘self-esteem’ and proposed the first tip that we go and talk to people rather than try to read their minds. This article reflects on what is a negative thought and how to overcome it, offering another tip to enhance self-esteem and overall wellbeing.

 

“Negative thought includes negative beliefs you might have about yourself, situations, or others” (Arlin Cunic). These faulty beliefs can affect your moods, actions, interpersonal relationships, success, and overall happiness. 

 

Some examples of automatic negative thoughts are “I’m stupid,” “I can’t do this,” “They’ll make fun of me,” or “They don’t like me because I’m not slim/smart enough”. Such negative thoughts create anxiety and fear and can affect one’s performance, success, and wellbeing. “The negative thoughts can be overwhelming and dominate how you think and act” (Cunic).

 

An effective way to overcome negative thoughts is to notice your negative thoughts and challenge them. MHA offers a familiar example from the life of adolescents: 

 

When you catch yourself thinking in extremes (e.g., “nobody likes me”, “I’ll never have any friends”), try to challenge your thoughts or find middle ground. Does nobody like you, or do you feel unwanted just by a few people at school? Will you never have friends, or are you just surrounded by the same people you’ve been with for years? Most of us are our own worst critics. 

 

Noticing our negative thoughts which are often marked by excessive use of words such as always, never, impossible, disaster, ruined, and perfect is a signal of thinking in extremes. Negative thinking magnifies minute errors and drives us away from reality robbing us of the happiness of life. 

 

Therefore we must challenge our negative thoughts and replace them with more realistic and balanced ones. 

 

 

 

Notes

1.     Mental Health America (MHA), (2022), 2022 Back-to-School Outreach Toolkit

2.     Arlin Cunic, 2021, Negative Thoughts: How to Stop Them

Teachers’ Day: Humanness the Soul of Education

            India celebrates Teachers’ Day on September 5th. It is an occasion to ponder on our education system. The education system should help the new generation to promote love, peace, respect, and humanness. Without these values, education can produce skilled and professional monsters who hurt and kill others to satiate their evil desires and to gain power, position and wealth. The words of a Jew headmaster who survived a concentration camp are apt to reflect on Teachers’ Day; they can  inspire us. 

Hitler hated the Jews and exterminated some six million of them because they were Jews. One of the Jews who was imprisoned by Hitler could not be killed because the war ended before he could kill all the Jews. That particular Jew later became the headmaster of a school and he told his teachers the following on the reopening day of the school: “I am the survivor of a concentration camp. My eyes saw what no man should have seen: gas chambers built by learned engineers, children poisoned by educated physicians, infants killed by trained nurses, women and babies shot and burned by high school and college students. So, I am afraid of education… My request is: Help your children to become humane. Your efforts should never produce learned monsters, skilled psychopaths and educated Eichmanns (Adolf Eichmann was a German-Austrian, one of the organizers of the holocaust). Reading, writing and arithmetic are important only if they serve to make children more humane.” (Indian Currents)

           Today we need to rethink our education system and examine whether it helps our children to become more humane or greedy officers, dangerous leaders and learned monsters. An effective education system makes students humane. 

 

Notes

T.M. Joseph, Making of a Noble Teacher, Indian Currents.

TIPS FOR BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM

          Mental Health America (MHA) states, “Everyone feels awkward, insecure, or alone at times – especially during adolescence… It’s unfortunately common to not feel great about yourself sometimes”. If you are an adolescent, you might feel that it is you alone feeling awkward, insecure, and rejected by companions and groups. But even adults can feel this way. “The secret is: Most of your peers feel this way too” – even the ones who seem famous, smart, and intelligent (MHA).

“Self-esteem refers to your overall sense of worth – how much you like and respect yourself” (MHA). Self-esteem is a realistic and appreciative opinion of yourself. Being realistic implies that you try to be accurate and honest in understanding yourself — that you do not catastrophise your unpleasant feelings and experiences; and do not minimize your good qualities. Having an appreciative opinion of yourself means that you look at yourself with genuine love and support. Healthy self-esteem can empower you to reach your goals, express your needs, and have a more positive outlook on life (MHA). 

This and the next articles will shed light on some proven and helpful tips to boost one’s self-esteem. The first tip to consider to boost your self-esteem is that ‘you can’t read people’s minds’. 

Remember: You Can’t Read People’s Minds

Examine if you tend to claim that you exactly know what others think about you. Unfortunately, most often, you make assumptions about how others think poorly of you though there may not exist any proof to prove what you believe. “It’s easy to assume how someone feels about you – based on a text they never replied to, a weird look they gave you in the hall, or just the fact that you’ve never really interacted. None of these things mean they don’t like you – so try to stop your brain when it starts creating a story about what they must be thinking” (MHA). Go talk to people. 

           Practice the above tip and you will find that most people are not actually vicious, and do not see you poorly. Instead of trying to read others’ minds, talk to them. This will help you make good connections with others, boost your skills in interpersonal relationships, aid you in understanding yourself realistically, and boost your self-esteem. 

 

Notes

Mental Health America (MHA), (2022), 2022 Back-to-School Outreach Toolkit

The Power of “NO”

            More often than not, many live in a society that is crazy and running about with things to do, things to achieve. You and I could be part of this maze race too. Some people can be pathologically over-functioning, over-dependent, slothful, or selfish; they can drag you into a frantic race, which is neither healthy nor actuallydesired by you. They can exploit you by placing their burdens and unhealthy demands on you. If you are not alert and prudent, you can become a victim of their tactics of praise, (indirect) blackmailing, and/or threat to oust you from their groups or love. It can be very tempting to keep saying ‘yes’ to them as this might have some temporary benefits, such as enjoying their group membership, favors and support. Fear of exclusion can be another huge temptation to continue the slavery of unhealthy ‘yes’. No one likes to be isolated. 

            Saying ‘yes’, even when it is unhealthy and drains your energy, can be your default response. For individuals who are kind and generous, it can be hard to say ‘no’. Our culture often teaches us only to say ‘yes’. Unfortunately, incessantly saying yes is construed as a sign of an obedient, pleasant, and good person. However, it is the word no that can redeem you. You need to say no to all such people who want to use you in their celebration of pathologies. You can imagine that some people will not be happy with your no.

Shauna Niequist, a New York Times bestselling author, observes that such people would prefer you over-function for their purposes at the cost of wellbeing for you and your dear ones. When you say something like, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that,” it can be a personal affront to people who are wrapped up in their own hyper-functioning (Niequist). Leave them, do not argue with them. People who cannot honor your ‘no’, are egocentric and will only keep relationship with you as long as you allow yourself to be exploited. Niequist concludes, “You can’t have yes without no…if you’re not careful with your yeses, you start to say no to some very important things without even realizing it”. 

If you want to say a full and profound yes to peace, wellbeing, goodness, and life then you need to learn to say no to certain things. The word ‘no’ has the power to transform your life. 

 

Notes

1.     Shauna Niequist (2016), Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living.

2.     “Let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’” (Mt. 5:37)

The True Self

The recent articles on this blog discussed the three types of masks: the bad, the neutral, and the good. Once one removes all the layers of these masks one will discover who one truly is. 

When one dies, will it matter what race and country one belonged to, what positions and possessions one boasted of, what colour and figure one had, and what degrees and titles one earned? None of these labels will matter. Naked one enters into this world, and naked one returns. All forms of identities based on any mask will lose their significance one day. 

Many realise the folly of clinging to these temporary identities as their moment of death nears. Often one becomes stripped of all temporary identities in the face of death. But one does not have to wait until one is nearing death to grasp such vanity. The journey of knowing one’s true self can start now. 

To peel off one’s false layers of the mask is to reach a holy place — an inner core — the pure self. To fail to discover one’s true self is to fail one’s own sainthood and to miss the purpose of life. 

The true self can be defined as which existed even before one was born, and which will exist even after one’s death. That which was before one’s birth and will remain after one’s death is unchangeable, indestructible, eternal, and therefore is the true self. 

           For one to know one’s true self one must see oneself with the eyes of her/his Creator. One cannot realise her/his pure self without Divine vision. ‘Who one is for God’ is his/her true identity. An identity rooted in God does not crumple. Hence, one needs to ask oneself  “Who am I for God?”  

The answer one finds will prove to be his/her true identity. In this process, one will discover that one is a child of God, a beloved of God, a friend of God, a part of the Universal Being, or a ray of the Absolute Light and Joy. Once one realises one’s identity rooted in the Divine vision, no one can snatch it away. 

The invitation for each person is to see oneself with the eyes of God to discover their true self. 

 

The Good Mask

The third mask that one needs to shed to discover one’s true self is the good mask. The good mask is formed by one’s profession, apostolate, or works of charity. Thus, one can be a teacher, nurse, social worker, principal, and such. These identities are based on the work one does. Typically, one’s work is one’s choice or is entrusted to one by family or congregation. Work enables one to take care of self and family, and provides purpose for one’s life. 

An identity based on work can evolve into a seemingly innocuous mask, the good mask. However, a mask is still a mask and hinders one from realizing one’s true self. The good mask being good is insidious, hard to detect and harder to remove. To find one’s pure self, one necessarily needs to look at oneself with the eyes of God and not according to the importance of one’s work. Removing the good mask does not imply that one should stop doing the work one is engaged in. Rather, it means that one ought to cease viewing oneself through the work’s temporary and changing conditions. Professions and occupations change. The true self cannot be understood and realized through fleeting circumstances. 

The danger in wearing the good mask is that one becomes blind and cannot see life holistically. If one works as a manager and sees oneself only through one’s work, one would relate to others only as a boss to subordinates. One might even relate to everyone else as one’s subordinates because one would only know one way to relate - through one’s work. One’s identity would exist only if one holds a position. One would find it extremely difficult when removed from the position or when retired, as the identity shatters. The good mask can make one believe that one only is competent and superior and that others are inept and inferior. 

Continuing with this example of a manager, a better way of understanding one’s work is to see that one is not a manager but has the responsibility of managing for a specific period. Management is not one’s identity but only a responsibility that can change at any time. One’s true identity is much deeper and permanent than shallow identification with transient work. 

Self-awareness can light up the process of recognizing and peeling off the various forms the good mask assumes in one’s life.

           Some questions that can further one’s journey of self-realization are: 

1.     Am I not more than the work I do?

2.     Has my work become my worship?

3.     Do I always look at others through the lens of my position?

4.     Do I introduce myself to others stating my profession or occupation?

5.     If one is unable to work for certain reasons, does one not have an identity?