Running Away from Love

        Humans desire and depend fundamentally on love and affection. Yet, ironically, many of us can keep running away from love. Let me explain. 

Imagine that every time a child steps out of her house to play with her friends, her parents scold and punish her. This child will quickly learn that her desire to play with friends results in pain and punishment. Eventually, she will stop connecting and playing with her friends and even inhibit the desire to play or will become anxious if she feels such desire or sees her friends playing. Paul Gilbert (2013), a renowned clinical psychologist in London, confirms this phenomenon saying, “We can learn to become anxious about our feelings because of how others have responded to them in the past.” Thus, we can learn to become anxious and flee from desires and experiences meant to promote our happiness and wholeness. 

The same principle can apply to our desire and experience of love, too. If you were hurt and betrayed in the past when you loved someone, you are likely to feel anxious when you experience the desire to give and receive love. You can be overwhelmed by the anxiety and excruciating emotions attached to your past disappointing love experience. You can feel deeply disturbed and apprehensive at the possibility of giving and receiving love because of how your brain has linked love to hurt and betrayal. Hence, your desire and need to give and receive love, though legitimate and noble, can make you anxious at any such possibility. You can be cold and resistant and withdraw from persons and situations where love is offered. 

It is important to become aware of what causes you anxiety and withdrawal and to not act blindly driven by your fears but to grasp the present opportunities for love and affection with openness and hope. 

 

Notes

Gilbert, P. (2013). The Compassionate mind. Robinson. 

Growing as Happy and Authentic Individuals

Do you appreciate your children and others in your life? Perhaps you do. When do you reward and appreciate them? Probably when they do well in exams, win trophies, get promotions, or succeed. That is good — but not good enough! Appreciating individuals only when they succeed and do well can make them duplicitous and lead them to hide their true self. It is necessary that you also admire your children and dear ones when they share their failures and embarrassing experiences. It is essential that you let them know that they are loved and accepted despite their failures and disappointments. 

Appreciating individuals for taking the courage to be honest with you can enable them to become emotionally healthy, genuine, and liberated individuals. Conversely, appreciating them only when they succeed can give them the sense that they are accepted only if they win and stay on top of everything. They can begin to hide their faults and failures to be accepted and start to live their life driven by fear of rejection. One or two examples will be illuminating. Suppose your child breaks something in the house. If your child thinks that she will be scolded or punished for breaking the thing, there are high chances for your child to hide the broken item. Or, again, if you do something embarrassing. If you believe another person would disapprove of what you did, you will avoid talking about the embarrassing event.

This shielding occurs because we are afraid that if our faults and weaknesses are exposed there will be negative and unpleasant consequences. These could include scolding, judgment, or withdrawal of love and acceptance. Humans want to be loved and accepted. Therefore, you can begin to hide your failures and brokenness, and put on a seemingly pleasant and competent mask. You can split your life into two, one that is fragile but honest, the side you only know, and the other that is bright but fake, the side you show to others. Such a split in life creates anxiety and leads you away from reality.  

You will agree that everyone makes mistakes and fails. Hence, it is not possible to always succeed and to do well. Do have the courage to show your true self to people who care about you. In their moments of failures and embarrassments, can you assure your loved ones that they are loved and accepted as they are? Such experiences of love and acceptance can empower you and others to accept and love themselves despite their failures, to shed their fear of rejection, and to live with freedom and congruence. 

Self-Judgement Robs Happiness

            Our understanding and feelings about ourselves are greatly influenced not only by how we view ourselves but also by how we think others view us. We often evaluate ourselves judging whether we are doing well or poorly and the conclusions we draw can be linked to our perceptions of how others see us (Gilbert, 2013). If we think that others see us in a critical and poor light, then we can apply those perceptions to ourselves and see ourselves as inadequate and inferior. Feelings of inadequacy and inferiority can make us hide and become miserable. At certain times, we all feel inadequate. When we feel inadequate, we can withdraw and stop engaging in things we like to do.   

           An example will help to understand this better. Suppose two individuals take part in dance practice. One engages in the dance forgetting everything and enjoys doing so. The other is worried about how others might judge her dance. The more the second person ruminates about how others may not like her dance, the more self-critical she becomes, and begins to see herself as inadequate. She withdraws from dance practice and goes home feeling miserable. (Here, there is an implication for parents, teachers, and those responsible for the growth of others to help them overcome such self-defeating judgments.)

           Gilbert (2013) says that it is easy to become self-conscious, and to not show our efforts to others for fear of being judged, and finally to isolate ourselves by feeling depressed about ourselves. These self-judgements can rob us of the joy we experience by participating in activities that we enjoy. If we can suspend our self-critical system and engage in activities purely for the sake of enjoying them, then we can become free to enjoy life. With such freedom, we can grow optimally and find meaning in our lives. 

References

Gilbert, P (2013). The compassionate mind. Robinson.

Comparative Awareness

           Human beings are gifted in many ways. One unique gift that humans have is awareness. We become aware of ourselves, other people, and the world around us. Thus, becoming aware of our life and the context we are in, we can make appropriate choices and grow into better versions of ourselves. And that’s amazing! Unfortunately, there is a downside to this awareness — we can start comparing ourselves to others and even to our fantasised-future-version. 

           Acknowledging our limitations and growing edges is warranted but chasing unrealistic goals leads to misery and depression. We can fantasize about many future versions of ourselves in our heads and begin to compare them to who we really are; this can create a sense of failure and inferiority. 

It is possible that animals can feel sad and become depressed if beaten or if they lose their caretaker or another animal close to them. However, they do not get miserable by comparing themselves to other animals or to their slim, smart, or wealthy ideal selves. 

Humans get stressed by responding to diverse life situations such as sickness, failure, and loss of a dear one. Unfortunately, and very often, humans also get depressed by responding to imaginary situations and expectations we have created in our mind. Unlike animals, humans have the power to imagine, to compare the current and future versions of ourselves, and to be aware of the gap, in certain cases a delusional and unattainable one. 

Again, it is desirable that we keep growing, but we need to renounce any delusional comparison with others and with our own unrealistic imagined versions. A constant dehumanizing comparison of ourselves with the selves we have created in our heads can become a civil war within us. This way, we add numerous, unwanted, yet avoidable, imaginary battles to our daily life challenges. Sadly, we can end up fighting and pursuing things that do not even exist in reality.

Our self-awareness, if we want to be healthy and grow, needs to be compassionate and encouraging, and not competitive and comparative.

References

Gilbert, P (2013). The compassionate mind. Robinson.

“I Feel Therefore…”

            Emotions are beautiful aspects of human life and make it fascinating and respond to situations appropriately. When you get your first job, you may jump with happiness, or when your dear friend loses a parent you might become sad and hug them with tears. However, our emotions are not accurate always and can lead to making wrong decisions and acting in an unhealthy way. 

           One illusion that counsellors often help their clients overcome is I feel therefore, it is true (Gilbert, 2013). Some concrete examples of this misconception are: I feel anxious going for an interview, so it must be bad, and I must avoid it; I feel angry, so I must hit him; I feel they dislike me, so I must withdraw from them. What we feel is not always true. Often feelings are fruits of what happened in our past and may not have much to do with what is at hand. For example, if you had an unpleasant experience while traveling on a train, you might feel anxious while traveling again on a train. Or, if one of your teachers were harsh to you, you might feel nervous, even after decades, of approaching another teacher. If we behave guided by every feeling that emerges within then imagine how ill-advised and chaotic we can make our life. 

            It is critical to discern our feelings and not to become slaves of them. Sometimes tolerating them and not acting upon them can help us avoid impulsive acts. At other times, we can replace them with new motives and emotions rooted in compassion and goodness (Gilbert, 2013). Discern the roots of your emotions, particularly those that produce negative outcomes for you and others. Make emotions your strength and allow them to enhance your human experiences. 

 

References

Gilbert, P. (2013). The compassionate mind. Robinson.

Learning is Uncommon

                    One of my professors says, “Learning is less common.” I was surprised to hear this statement. Upon further discussion and personal reflection, it became clear that the statement is true. 

Learning is uncommon particularly beyond a certain level. Because we like to feel accepted, we know and talk to people who already have similar ideas and beliefs. We spend time with people who agree with us and avoid those who have different, let alone contrary perceptions of reality. Thus, we conform to a narrow way of thinking and knowing. The more we repeat ideas we already know, the more we can become intellectually stubborn and opposed to new insights and learning. One can easily find examples of people in any context, especially in politics and religion, who abuse and attack whatever is different from what they know or believe. 

        We, as individuals, may not be exempt from the stubbornness to learning. Reflecting on the following questions can help us detect our resistance to learning and pave the way toward learning. 

·      How do you react when someone proposes a different perspective on something from yours? 

o   Do you immediately refute the other person or withdraw from the conversation?

o   Do you feel threatened, nervous, or angry? 

·      What is one perception or understanding that you changed recently?

·      What is one learning that you want to correct or update? 

·      What is one thing you want to know or learn this month?

Learning is necessary to avoid biases and to grow, not only intellectually but also emotionally, as well as socially. Keeping our minds and spirits open can help us live a growth-focused life and nurture harmonious relationships with others. 

 

Listening As Spiritual Hospitality

We live in a loud, yet deaf world. Many people seem to run on adrenaline restlessly trying to achieve and prove. Such a self-absorbed and anxious life makes us deaf to others who try to speak to us. Even when we converse, we seem preoccupied with how we need to respond to the other or are engrossed in our own selfish motives. Listening is not only a physical and mental skill but also a priceless and much-needed spiritual exercise. Henry Nouwen says, “Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which we invite strangers to become friends.”[1] Listening helps us enter the inner world of others, the many complex layers of joys and sorrows, that otherwise we would miss. 

It is not easy to listen. Listening requires of us “so much of interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.”[2] Listening creates a safe and healing environment for others to pour out their hearts without fear of being judged or rejected. Listening as spiritual hospitality allows us to welcome others as they are into our world. In such a sacred space, others can feel deeply valued and begin to heal. Can we add listening as spiritual hospitality to our range of spiritual exercises?

 

 

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[1] Henry Nouwen Society, Listening as a spiritual hospitality 

 

[2] Henry Nouwen Society, Listening as a spiritual hospitality