The Light And The Shadow

 

John Baptist

30th January 2022

    The sun radiates light and, our eyes can see. It is in the light that we see clearly and can move around. It is necessary to have external light to see things and our path. It is also essential to have internal light to see the reality of our human existence and make the right choices. Another important aspect of being in the light is that it reveals our shadow. Where there is light, there is shadow too. Shadow is a reality of human life. Shadow can be any dark, unhealthy, or unhelpful side of ourselves that we need to heal. Shadow also can be our existential limitations, which might not change, and hence must be integrated with awareness and grace. Richard Rohr, a Franciscan monk, mystic and wisdom writer says, “Those things we repress or deny about ourselves become our shadow. The qualities we “place” in our shadow aren’t necessarily or only bad; they simply are the ones that are not rewarded by our family system or culture”.

Each one of us has a shadow in ourselves which needs to be recognized before we can work upon it. Anyone who claims for the light also needs to face the shadow. Seeing one’s shadow might be distressful initially nevertheless, it has to be recognized. Though uncomfortable, the process for healing or integration of the shadow must begin. Wisdom and Divine grace are necessary to do the shadow work and develop healthy self-critical thinking, which alone allows us to see beyond our own shadow and disguise and to find who we truly are (Richard Rohr). Can we dare to be in the light and face our own shadows? Unless we allow God’s light to penetrate our shadows, we can never hope to discover who we truly are.  

Notes

Richard Rohr, Unveiling the Shadow, https://cac.org/unveiling-the-shadow-2021-06-13/

The Second Face of Self-rejection

 John Baptist

25th January 2022

 

Self-rejection seems to be more rampant than we think. One might think that self-rejection manifests itself only in low self-image and depression, but it also has another face called arrogance. Henry Nouwen, a well-known thinker, asked, “Isn’t arrogance, in the final analysis, just another way of dealing with the feelings of worthlessness?” When a person feels worthless, he/she thinks of himself/herself of no value and therefore deserving only rejection. This feeling can be nerve-racking for individuals to live with. The mind wants to escape from such pain and often devices a strategy — called arrogance. Using arrogance, a person can project all their hatred and rejection onto others. The individuals who use arrogance think that by disdaining others, they will feel better, greater and higher and thus worthy of appreciation and acceptance. Arrogance seems to be a search for self-acceptance, nevertheless a futile and unhealthy one. Can we be open and honest enough to identify in ourselves the temptation to self-rejection, whether it manifests itself in arrogance or low self-esteem? Learning to self-accept is the key to overcoming the vice of self-rejection. Can we open our arms to accept and embrace ourselves as God does?

Notes

 

Henry Nouwen, Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World

Tricky Self-rejection

Individuals can hear many voices, both from outside and within their minds. Some of the voices are positive but others are negative and can do a lot of damage to ourselves. Some voices unremittingly tell us that we are worthless and not good enough. Henry Nouwen, a great spiritual writer, said, “When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions.” The voices that make us believe that we are worthless and unlovable create a deep and dark void in our hearts. This deep void pushes us to fill it or deny it by constantly pursuing success, popularity, and power. These dark and dirty voices ultimately convince a person to self-reject, which can be the deadliest tragedy in their lives. Nouwen affirms that “the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection”. 

Often self-rejection can go unnoticed as it lies deep down. However, self-rejection can give birth to many unhealthy talks and behaviours. Some manifestations, such as our desire to exhibit our expensive clothes and gadgets as well as recounting to others our achievements and degrees perhaps, rise from self-rejection. When driven by self-rejection, one continuously feels empty and lesser than others. Hence, a desire develops in the hearts of such individuals that propels them to speak and do things to convince the world that they are great and worthy. The irony is that the void created by self-rejection does not get filled by presenting ourselves as successful, popular or powerful, but it becomes darker and deeper. 

Can we be aware of the trap called self-rejection? Understanding ourselves as children of God can help us see the beauty and worthiness already bestowed on us. This is the unconditional beauty and worthiness that God showers upon us without needing any requirements from us. Can we hear the voice of the Divine and others who love us genuinely, that we are worthy and lovable?

Notes

Henry Nouwen, Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World

Confidence Booster

 

“Mom, Where is the Water?” 

– Confidence Booster

 

            Recently I visited a school in Mohali to animate a seminar for teachers on Psychosocial Development and Team Building. Invariably, I too get enriched by the experience and sharing of the participants in a seminar. This time too, I learnt something which I wish to share with you. It was a funny incident and offered some insights as to how we need to rare our children. 

           One of the teachers shared what she witnessed in her recent flight travel. A family was sitting next to her. They had a boy, four years old. During the flight, the boy said that he wanted to go to the restroom to empty his bowels. The mother offered to go with him. But the boy was full of confidence and refused her saying, “I know Mom”. Mom allowed the boy to go alone. The boy walked solemnly to the restroom. After a few minutes, there was a scream from the restroom – “Mom, where is the water?” It seemed embarrassing and, those who heard the boy started laughing. However, the Mom smiled and went to the restroom and helped her son to use tissue paper. 

           According to Erik Erikson, a renowned developmental psychologist, children during the age of three to six, pass through the stage Initiative vs Guilt. Parents and caregivers need to encourage the initiatives of children, like the mother in the incident allowed her son to go to the restroom alone. At this stage, children try many things, develop new skills and doubtlessly they fail in some of them as they learn. Therefore, it becomes highly important how parents handle the failures and embarrassing moments of their kids. Guilt may occur if parents criticize, prevent play, or discourage a child’s questions. A child can start feeling as: always being wrong, and may fail to explore the world. If parents want their children to be free and confident then they need to allow their kids to do things by themselves, offer help only when needed, and be encouraging even when they fail. This way, we can raise happy and confident children.

Contempt or Kindness?

 

 Human beings, by nature, are imperfect beings. Who can be perfect but God alone. Human beings, being flawed, experience limitations and failures. I do not know a person who always succeeds and never fails. Do you? I hear you whispering no. Therefore, this becomes clear that human beings fail and undergo painful experiences. You and me too. 

We can respond to our pains and failures in two ways – contempt or kindness. Now, remember how did you relate to yourself the last time you encountered pain, rejection, humiliation, or failure? Did you become a contemptuous Hitler, blaming yourself totally (or even others)? Or, were you kind to yourself, as you would to a dear friend in her failure. Kristin Neff, a well-known writer on self-compassion, says, “We don’t have a lot of control over our personal characteristics — our inborn personality, our body type, our health, the good or bad fortune of our circumstances. But what we can do is start being kind to ourselves when confronting our limitations, and we can suffer less because of them”.

Many of our negative experiences may not be in our control but, suffering due to them can be. The way to move from suffering to peace, healing and growth is through kindness. Be kind to yourself – as God would. 

 

Notes

1.Kristin Neff (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. 

 

 

 CREATED TO CARE

Human beings have many needs, such as air, food, safety, on which their survival depends. Care is an equally important need, perhaps more important. Care is acknowledging that the other person is valuable and therefore needs to be looked after and provided for their needs which are necessary for their wellbeing and growth. Care is feeling a deep concern and interest in the other. To give and receive care is in the DNA of human beings (of course, which can be hampered). Kristin Neff, a well known American researcher, says, “that the capacity to feel affection and interconnection is part of our biological nature. Our brains are actually designed to care”.

            The well-known psychologist Harry Harlow was one of the first to examine the development of care and attachment in the mammalian system back in the 1950s. Harlow studied the behaviour of newborn rhesus monkeys who were separated from their mothers and reared alone in a cage. The question was whether the baby monkeys would spend more time with a soft, terrycloth pretend mother—who at least offered some degree of warmth and comfort—or a stark, wire-mesh figure that held a milk-dispensing bottle but provided little comfort. The answer was clear. The baby monkeys clung to their cloth mommies as if their life depended on it, only moving to the stark wire-mesh figures long enough to take a quick drink. What’s striking about this finding is that the emotional comfort offered by a snuggly cloth appeared to create a stronger drive in the monkeys than the food itself. Care was as powerful a survival need as nutrition. 

Human experience shows that the insights derived from the above experiment are also true for human beings. When a child is in distress it runs to his or her parents looking for care. Doesn’t a child stop crying in the hug of her mother, even when they are hurt? Not only children but adults too seek care in their relationships. The experience of care offers individuals courage, hope, and a soothing balm when they feel abandoned, down, and hurt. Care brings healing to the broken hearts and devastated spirits. When people feel uncared, they often resort to unhealthy behaviours and in fact end their lives. Therefore the Bible says, “Man cannot live by bread alone.” Caring for one another is in our biology; our survival depends on it. There is an invitation for each one of us to develop the gift of care and harness the positive energy available in this great gift for we are created to care. 

 

Notes

1.Kristin Neff (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.  

2. Mathew 4:4

 

Fr. Stan Swamy: A Seed

Stan Swamy: who were you?

A priest, a prophet, or a social activist?

Perhaps all of them and much more. 

 

Fr Stan, you were a man for the poor 

Strength for the marginalized

Voice for the voiceless

Power for the powerless

Staff for the fallen and,

A consciousness in an unconscious, 

dead and corrupt society.

 

You lived your religious charism,

Perfecting love for God and neighbour, 

Blending faith and works together.

Your love and commitment for the poor

Was a lamp on a hilltop, shining brightly. 

God was in your heart

And people in your deeds. 

You fearlessly dedicated your life 

to the poor and marginalized tribals of India. 

 

Some evil and arrogant powers 

Could not tolerate the awareness and growth of the powerless tribals. 

Because this exposed the mighty's greed and injustice.

 

Thus, they imprisoned you,

But they did not know that you are a Voice, 

That cannot be fettered by chains. 

 

They restricted your movements 

But they did not know that you are Light,

That cannot be imprisoned by iron bars.

 

They buried you under many false allegations

But they did not know that you are a Seed

That will give birth to a hundred other Stans.