I Owe Myself an Apology

 

I owe myself an apology

For all the times

I tore myself apart.

When I neglected my own needs

Lowered my standards

Berated myself

And put myself down.

 

For the self-sabotage

I continually inflicted upon myself

And the times when I apologized

For being who I was

And expressing myself authentically.

 

And I owe myself

The permission to start anew.

 

To forgive myself

For the battles I fought

That weren’t mine to fight

For all of the love

That I failed to give myself

And for the times when I failed to realize

That rather than being broken

I was worthy of value, respect

And beautiful, brilliant things in life

 

And that's how I treated myself

Dictated how others would view me

And in turn, behave toward me

So by showering myself

With love, kindness, forgiveness and respect

In turn, I could pave the way

For others to do the same.

 

Tahlia Hunter wrote the above heartwarming poem. Hunter's words invite us to acknowledge that often it is we who understand ourselves as worthless and treat ourselves without dignity. 

When we ceaselessly look at ourselves as persons without any value then we allow others to treat us badly and assume that it is okay to be treated that way. If we value ourselves then we draw people who will value us, on the contrary, if we devalue ourselves, we can easily attract people who will mistreat and abuse us.

The experience of being loved and valued cannot be sustained from the outside rather it has its foundation within. As humans, we are born with immense value – the image of the Divine. If we can start accessing this inner, beautiful, and precious core of our being then we can truly accept, love, and value ourselves. Accepting and valuing ourselves offers a blueprint to others of how they also need to treat us. 

It is never too late; we can forgive ourselves for not treating ourselves with kindness and love. We can begin anew the journey of acceptance, love, and worthiness. 

The journey begins from within. 

John Baptist OFM Cap.

Clinical Counselor & Psychospiritual Resource Person

York, PA, USA

 

 

 

Leaving a Gaslighter

It is not healthy to remain in an exploitative relationship. Because gaslighters are so slippery and manipulative, your best bet is to cut off all contact or, at least, drastically reduce it. The following tips can help in getting out of a gaslighting relationship.

Remember how healthy people behave

If you are currently dealing with a gaslighter and trying to get away from him or her, one way to help ground yourself is to remind yourself of how psychologically healthy people behave. Stephanie Sarkis^[1] lists some important traits of healthy individuals, they:

o   Encourage expression of opinions

o   Say what they mean and mean what they say

o   Support you even if they do not agree with you

o   Let you know in a direct and kind way if you hurt them

o   Are capable of emotional intimacy—the mutual sharing of feelings and ideas

o   Trust others

o   Exhibit behaviors that are genuine and authentic^[2]

Break up in one quick conversation 

Madeleine Burry suggests, “One key to a successful split with a gaslighter is to make it fast, ideally in a single conversation. Tell them it is not working and the relationship is over, and say it in a straightforward, calm, and direct voice.”

Do not believe promises to change 

As soon as you say the relationship is over, the gaslighter may try to win you back. Expect instant apologies and promises that things will be different. Their words will sound sincere, and part of you might want to believe them. Do not. It is all part of the manipulation^[3]. 

Connect with supportive friends

Even when you know breaking up was for the best, you still might be grieving the end of a relationship that at one point seemed so promising. This is when leaning on loved ones comes in. When thoughts of giving the gaslighter a second chance creep into your head, your support network can help you to discern^[4]. If friends and family are not on hand, counseling can really help.

The relationship with a gaslighter neither succeeds nor thrives; therefore, it becomes imperative to immediately leave an unhealthy and dehumanizing relationship. 

The earlier you terminate an exploitative relationship, the better. 

 

John Baptist OFM Cap.

Clinical Counselor & Psychospiritual Resource Person

York, PA, USA

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[1] Sarkis, Stephanie, 2018, Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free, Da Capo Lifelong Books

[2] Sarkis, Stephanie, This Is Why Victims of Gaslighting Stay — And How They Can Finally Break Free

[3] Sarkis, Stephanie, 2018, Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free

[4] Burry, Madeleine, How to Break Up with a Gaslighter

How Does Gaslighting Change a Victim?

A primary goal of gaslighters is to keep the victim hooked for exploitation. Many people eventually find a way to escape a gaslighter’s influence, leaving the manipulator to search for a new target; often, they already have another victim in mind. However, it can be hard to break off with a gaslighter as gaslighting weakens a victim emotionally and cognitively. 

 

Emotional Eroding in Gaslighting

Gaslighting can be psychologically devastating. It erodes a person’s trust in themselves and makes them doubt their own dignity and value; after all, it’s easy to blame themselves for having been too trusting, vulnerable, or dependent. The experience may make a victim never open up or trust other relationships again. 

 

Cognitive Dissonance in Gaslighting

It takes a certain amount of cognitive dissonance to remain connected to a gaslighter. Cognitive dissonance occurs when you have information about the gaslighter that is completely contradictory to your beliefs, values, and what you thought you knew about that person. When a victim is in a state of cognitive dissonance, he or she may react in one of the following ways:

·        Ignore the contradictory information.

·        Fight against the contradictory information.

·        Replace beliefs and values with the contradictory information (shoved by the gaslighter).

You may have put up with gaslighting because you convinced yourself that it was normal and possibly your fault. But the healthiest way to resolve cognitive dissonance is to take action to bring yourself back into alignment with your own beliefs, dignity, and values—and many times that means leaving the gaslighter.

 

If something doesn’t feel right about a relationship or person, it is a sign to re-think your relationship.

 

John Baptist OFM Cap.

Clinical Counselor & Psychospiritual Resource Person

York, PA, USA

Notes

Stephanie Sarkis, This Is Why Victims of Gaslighting Stay — And How They Can Finally Break Free

THIS IS MY WISH FOR YOU

The New Year is at hand. It is a time to begin with positive vibes and wish each other heartfelt blessings. The poem written by Bessie Anderson Stanley (1879 - 1952), an American writer, can help us to focus on what is precious in our lives and to spread the vibrations of love and positivity to those who face difficult times.
​ 
​

“This is my wish for you: 
Comfort on difficult days, 
smiles when sadness intrudes, 
rainbows to follow the clouds, 
laughter to kiss your lips, 
sunsets to warm your heart, 
hugs when spirits sag, 
beauty for your eyes to see, 
friendships to brighten your being, 
faith so that you can believe, 
confidence for when you doubt, 
courage to know yourself, 
patience to accept the truth, 
Love to complete your life.”​

 

Christmas: Love Has a Face

 

Prophet Isaiah (9:1) says, “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; upon those who dwelt in the land of gloom a light has shone”. The greatest darkness is hopelessness, and the deepest gloom is loneliness — the lack of love. Humans, by default, being created in the image of the Triune God, desire relationships, they desire love. 

Richard Rohr, a Franciscan friar, reflects, “In Jesus, God was given a face and a heart. God became someone we could love. While God can be described as a moral force, as consciousness, and as high vibrational energy, the truth is, we don’t (or can’t?) fall in love with abstractions”.[1] So the Word became Flesh, and took the form of a human that we could hear with our ears, see with our eyes, and touch with our hands (1 John 1:1). If God is Love and Jesus is the face of God, then Jesus is the ‘Face of Love’. In the incarnation of God as Jesus, we have the face of God who is love. A face that loves us, and that we can love back, too. 

Can we Allow this Face of Love to Transform US? 

The well-known existential Jewish philosopher Emmanuel Levinas (1905-1995) said the only thing that really converts people is “an encounter with the face of the other,”[2] and probably he learned that from his own Hebrew Scriptures. Merely following rules or religion cannot transform and save us. What truly saves us and transforms our lives is the loving connection to the Face of Love, to the person of Jesus. If our relationship with the Sacred has to be robust then it has to rise above the mechanical observance of laws and build a deep and loving relationship with God. Can we allow the face of Jesus to penetrate our hopelessness and lack of connection and love? Can we gaze at Him with love?

Can we Allow the Face of the Other to Transform US? 

“When the face of the other (especially the suffering face) is received and empathized with, it leads to a transformation of our whole being. It creates a moral demand on our heart that is far more compelling than laws. Just giving people commandments on tablets of stone doesn’t change the heart. It may steel the will, but it doesn’t soften the heart like an I-Thou encounter can”.[3] We grow into the divine life, not by concepts, but by connecting to faces, delighting in them. Christianity is not about fulfilling some laws and requirements but about “loving God and the other” (Mk. 12: 30-31)

Can we Become the Face of Love for Others?

Love needs a face. When an infant looks into the eyes of its mother or loving caregiver, the infant looks into God’s eyes. Similarly, the mystery of Jesus’ incarnation invites us to become loving mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, children, and friends to others so that when they look at our face, they may see God’s loving face.

I wish you a Merry Christmas! May you encounter the face of love in your families and everywhere. 

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[1] Center for Action and Contemplation, The Face of the Others

[2] See Is It Righteous to Be?: Interviews with Emmanuel Lévinas, ed. Jill Robbins (Stanford University Press: 2001) for an introduction to his work.

[3] The Face of the Others

6 Ways of Gaslighting

 

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that causes someone to lose their sense of perception and self-worth. Gaslighters emotionally manipulate, psychologically abuse, and unscrupulously exploit their victim by controlling her or his mind. Preston Ni[1], an author, and trainer in interpersonal effectiveness, describes ways[2] that gaslighters use to exploit their victim. 

Here are six ways that gaslighters often employ.

1. Lie and Exaggerate

The gaslighter creates a negative narrative about the gaslightee — “There’s something wrong and inadequate about you.” 

“My wife is very suspicious, and she wants to know where I go.” ―Anonymous husband

2. Repetition

Repetition of lies is deployed as a weapon to subjugate the victim. Falsehoods are repeated and truths are twisted constantly to control the conversation and dominate the relationship.

“Again, your behavior is immature and possessive.” ―Anonymous

3. Escalate When Challenged

When called out on his or her lies, the gaslighter escalates the dispute by intensifying attacks, refuting substantive evidence with denial, blame, and more false claims (misdirection).

“When I caught my boyfriend sexting, he flatly said that it was an ad. He called me suspicious and crazy.” ―Anonymous girlfriend

4. Wear Out the Victim

By staying on the offensive, the gaslighter eventually wears down the victim, who becomes discouraged, resigned, pessimistic, fearful, debilitated, and self-doubting. The victim begins to question her or his own perception, identity, and reality.

“Maybe I am suspicious and worthless.” — Anonymous

5. Form Codependency

Codependency is ‘excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.’ The gaslighter elicits constant insecurity and anxiety in the gaslightee, thereby pulling on the gaslightee’s strings. The gaslighter has the power to grant acceptance, approval, love, safety, and security. The gaslighter also often threatens to withhold or revoke these grants. A  codependent relationship is formed based on fear and vulnerability. 

6. Give False Hope

As a manipulative tactic the gaslighter may occasionally treat the victim with mildness, and even superficial kindness or remorse, to give the gaslightee false hope. In these circumstances, the victim might think: “Maybe he’s really not THAT bad,” “Maybe things are going to get better,” or “Let’s give it a chance.” Beware! The temporary mildness by the gaslighter is intended only to lower the victim’s guard for further exploitation. 

The ultimate objective of a pathological gaslighter is to control, dominate, and take advantage of an individual, or a group, or even an entire society. By controlling the mind of the gaslightee the gaslighter keeps her or him in a constant state of insecurity, doubt, and fear. The gaslighter can then exploit the victim at will.

John Baptist OFM Cap.

Clinical Counselor & Psychospiritual Resource Person

York, USA

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[1] Preston Ni, How to Successfully Handle Gaslighters & Stop Psychological Bullying

[2] Nae, 8 Ways Gaslighters Manipulate and Control Relationships

Gaslighting: Manipulation in a Relationship

What is gaslighting? The term originated from Patrick Hamilton’s original 1939 stage play ‘Gaslight’[1] and was later made famous in the 1944 movie ‘Gaslighting’[2]. In the story, a husband emotionally manipulates his wife by falsifying small instances of the environment and tries to convince her that she’s insane by causing her to question herself and her reality. 

“Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves”[3]. The victims of gaslighting may end up doubting their memory, their perception, their self-worth, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, damaging understanding of inner worth and making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth. 

Gaslighting creates a negative narrative about the gaslightee (victim) and an unequal power dynamic between partners. Ultimately gaslighting enables a gaslighter to control the mind of the victim/s and to continue to abuse them psychologically which can include physical and sexual abuse. Gradually, gaslightees assume that they are responsible for their messy relationship and that their partner is justified in abusing them. Sadly, the victims of gaslighting can end up losing their self-worth and having a dependent and fragile identity. 

“In its milder forms gaslighting creates a subtle but inequitable power dynamic in a relationship with the gaslightee subjected to the gaslighter’s unreasonable rather than fact-based scrutiny, judgment, or micro-aggression[4]. Gaslighting can occur among friends, in romantic relationships, at the workplace, or within an entire society.

A gaslighter initially lies about simple things but the volume of implanting doubt in the mind of a gaslightee soon grows. Consequently a gaslightee may start apologizing for things that are not his/her fault or plead with the gaslighter for love and to continue the relationship. When a gaslighter is caught having an affair he/she may accuse the victim of being suspicious, possessive, and immature. A gaslighter can become furious or stonewall when asked for clarification. A gaslighter may typically deploy occasional positive reinforcement to confuse the victim but ultimately to exploit the gaslightee. 

Some tactics[5] employed by a gaslighter are:

“I never said that; you made that up”.

“It is you who made me do the things I do”.

“It’s your fault”.

“Why are you so suspicious; you are attacking me”.

“You are too emotional”.

Gaslighting is prevalent more than one imagines. Therefore one needs to be aware of gaslighting and guard oneself against becoming its victim or using it to victimize others.

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[1] 10 Examples of What Gaslighting Sounds Like

[2] Gaslight Movie

[3] Gaslighting

[4] 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship

[5] 10 Examples of What Gaslighting Sounds Like