Empathy: Glue of Relationships

People get hurt in life. Hurt people tend to hurt others and even themselves unless they embark on a healing journey of the self. Often, living with people who are empathic helps hurt people begin the process of healing. Since the experience of hurt is universal, the need for empathy is also universal. Empathy is the glue that has the power to hold together and heal broken people and relationships.  

Individuals living in a family, religious community or in any other setup can encounter people who are hurt, some of them very deeply. Apart from experiencing debilitating hurts there can be other hurts that though minor, still disrupt the daily functioning and joy of life. Experiences of hurt can reduce an individual’s capacity to trust and engage with others deeply, freely, and honestly. Empathy can be the therapeutic glue that can hold together broken and aching relationships and lead them to heal. 

Heinz Kohut witnessed the power of empathy and said, “It [empathy] is the agency by which souls are restored. It is the glue that holds a broken person together until they begin to heal, and then it becomes the nourishment that keeps them going, keeps them striving to live fully and vibrantly”.[i] The curative glue of empathy holds persons and relationships together that are hurt and fragmented. Empathic encounters can become a powerful means of holding, healing, and growth for ailing relationships and for whatever is broken in human spirits. 

There is hope; every hurt person and broken relationship can experience healing and growth. Empathy helps people not only to heal but also to grow in maturity, wisdom, and grace. The words of Kohut himself are fitting to conclude: “the mark of a mature and transformed self is the ability to live each day with broad, encompassing empathy for others and oneself”.[ii]

Let the glue of empathy be in our families and communities to bring healing and grace to ourselves and others. 

 

Notes

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[i] Heinz Kohut in Grace for the Injured Self by Terry Cooper and Robert Randall, Pickwick Publications: Oregon, 2011

[ii] Heinz Kohut in Grace for the Injured Self by Terry Cooper and Robert Randall

Empathy Heals

Heinz Kohut[1] (1913-1981), the founder of Self Psychology, envisioned “empathy as the essence of humanity…it means to be human is to be empathic”. Kohut viewed empathy as more than a psychological tool to collect data of the inner world of the suffering person. For him empathy was the core and height of being human and a means of bringing healing and cure to wounded individuals. According to Kohut a person who is not empathic is not really human. It is not uncommon to get hurt in life and to interact and live with people who are hurt. Empathy is important, rather crucial, not only in counseling settings but also in healing and nurturing our every relationship.

Empathy is the door to the inner world of the other person. One of my professors in the USA aptly described empathy as “Your heart beating in my chest”. Empathy enables one to understand the experiences of the other person as he or she undergoes them without any bias. Kohut defined empathy as ‘vicarious introspection’. Vicarious introspection is the process in which we enter into the inner world of the other person and understand his/her experiences, particularly the painful ones, as if having the heart of the one who suffers. Empathy is not only feeling the pain of the other but is also a compassionate and non-judgmental process to understand the layers lying underneath the suffering or destructive behavior of the other. Feeling the pain of the suffering person can bring solace and support to the suffering individual but if the process of deep healing has to take place then the accompanying person needs to develop vicarious introspection. Vicarious introspection is the ability to compassionately understand the roots of suffering of the other and pave the way for healing for the wounded person from deep within. 

Empathic persons are wise. A caring understanding of the underlying roots of pain leads to wisdom that helps one to accompany the suffering person in ways that heal. Therefore, anyone who desires to bring healing to others and wants to repair, heal, and nurture his/her relationships needs to grow in empathy.

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[1] Heinz Kohut in Grace for the Injured Self by Terry Cooper and Robert Randall, Pickwick Publications: Oregon, 2011

 

देखभाल करना मनुश्य जीवन की महत्वपूर्ण जरुरत

मनुष्य की अनेक आवश्यकताएँ होती हैं, जैसे वायु, भोजन, सुरक्षा, जिस पर उनका अस्तित्व निर्भर करता है। ‘देखभाल’ भी मनुष्य की एक महत्वपूर्ण आवश्यकता है । देखभाल करना यह दर्शाता है कि दूसरा व्यक्ति मूल्यवान है और इसलिए वे हमारे ध्यान और देखभाल के पात्र हैं । देखभाल  दूसरे के प्रति एक सकारात्मक सोच, भावनाओं का सम्मान, मदद करने की लालसा और गहरी रुचि है। देखभाल करना और देखभाल पाना मनुष्य के डीएनए में है (बेशक, यह कमजोर हो सकता है)। एक प्रसिद्ध अमेरिकी शोधकर्ता क्रिस्टिन नेफ कहते हैं, "स्नेह और एक दूसरे के साथ संबंध महसूस करने की क्षमता हमारी जैविक प्रकृति का हिस्सा है। हमारा दिमाग वास्तव में देखभाल करने के लिए बनाया गया है"।

जाने-माने मनोवैज्ञानिक हैरी हार्लो ने 1950 के दशक में देखभाल और लगाव के विकास की जांच करने वाले पहले लोगों में से एक थे। हार्लो ने नवजात बंदरों के व्यवहार का अध्ययन किया जो अपनी मां से अलग हो गए थे और अकेले पिंजरे में पाले गए थे। सवाल यह था कि क्या बंदर के बच्चे एक नरम, मखमली कपड़े की गुड़िया, जो माँ जैसी दिखती थी, के साथ अधिक समय बिताएंगे — जिसमें कम से कम कुछ हद तक गर्मी और आराम देने की क्षमता थी - या एक निरि, तार-जाली की आकृति, जिसमें दूध की बोतल थी, लेकिन जो आराम प्रदान नहीं करती थी। उत्तर स्पष्ट था। बंदरों के बच्चे कपड़ो की बनी गुड़िया-मम्मियों से ऐसे चिपके रहे जैसे कि उनका जीवन उसी पर निर्भर हो, वे केवल दूध पीने के लिए तार की आकृति के पास जाते और जल्द ही वापस अपनी मखमली-मम्मियों के पास लौट आते । इस खोज के बारे में चौंकाने वाली बात यह है कि कपड़ो की बनी मम्मियों द्वारा दिया जाने वाला भावनात्मक आराम बंदरों में भोजन की तुलना में एक मजबूत प्रेरणा थी । देखभाल उतनी ही शक्तिशाली थी जितनी पोषण की आवश्यकता।            

हमारा अनुभव बताता है कि उपरोक्त प्रयोग से प्राप्त अंतर्दृष्टि मनुष्य के लिए भी सत्य है। जब कोई बच्चा संकट में होता है तो वह देखभाल की तलाश में अपने माता-पिता के पास दौड़ता है। क्या एक बच्चा अपनी माँ के आलिंगन में रोना बंद नहीं करता ? न केवल बच्चे बल्कि वयस्क भी अपने रिश्तों में देखभाल चाहते हैं। देखभाल का अनुभव व्यक्तियों को साहस, आशा और आराम प्रदान करता है, विशेषकर जब वे त्यागा हुआ, निराश और आहतग्रस्त महसूस करते हैं। देखभाल टूटे हुए दिलों और सदमाग्रस्त आत्माओं के लिए मरहम है। जब लोग असुरक्षित और अकेला महसूस करते हैं, तो वे अक्सर हानिकारक चिजों और व्यवहार का सहारा लेते हैं, और कई बार अपना जीवन समाप्त कर लेते हैं। इसलिए बाइबल कहती है, "मनुष्य केवल रोटी से नहीं जीता।" एक दूसरे की देखभाल करना हमारे खून में है; हमारा अस्तित्व इस पर निर्भर करता है। देखभाल के उपहार को विकसित करने और इस महान उपहार में उपलब्ध सकारात्मक ऊर्जा का दोहन करने के लिए हम सबको एक निमंत्रण है, क्योंकि हम एक दसरे की देखभाल करने के लिए बनाए गए हैं।

 

Notes

1.Kristin Neff (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.  

2. Mathew 4:4

The Light Within

Human beings seek the Light — the Peace and the Divine. They practice various spiritual exercises and take arduous journeys to find the Light that can extinguish all the sadness and darkness of human life. 

The Quaker mystic Thomas Kelly (1893–1941) tells us where we can find the Divine Light:  Deep within us all there is an amazing inner sanctuary of the soul, a holy place, a Divine Center, a speaking Voice, to which we may continually return. Eternity is at our hearts, pressing upon our time-torn lives, warming us with intimations of an astounding destiny, calling us home unto Itself. Yielding to these persuasions, gladly committing ourselves in body and soul, utterly and completely, to the Light Within[1], is the beginning of true life. It is a dynamic center, a creative Life that presses to birth within us. It is a Light Within that illumines the face of God and casts new shadows and new glories upon the human face. It is a seed stirring to life if we do not choke it. It is the Shekinah[2] of the soul, the Presence in the midst. 

Often God is found where we do not want to see God or least expect God to be found. God is present everywhere yet God can be most profoundly experienced at the core of our being. The gloominess and frustrations that we encounter due to our failures, wrongs done to us by others, and simply because of our finite human nature can tell us that it is all dark and that there is no Light. However baffling and shattering our painful experiences might be yet the Light Within does not die out. 

The Light Within is there — always — perhaps covered with dust and as a tiny spark. We can always return to our inner sanctuary and find this Spark. When we can access the Light Within then we can witness that this Spark grows into a powerful Ocean of Light permeating all of ourselves, including our deep and hidden, dark, and painful areas. When we allow, the Light Within begins to cast off all our darkness and gloominess that seemed stubborn and lasting. 

Thus, a genuine transformation begins from the inside out. Gradually but certainly, we find ourselves back Home, within the Light Within.  

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[1] Center for Action and Contemplation, The Light Within

[2] Shekhinah: English transliteration of a Hebrew word meaning "dwelling" or "settling" and denotes the presence of God, as it were, in a place

The Story of a Sufi: "Change the World by Changing Me"

Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest, spiritual teacher, writer, and psychotherapist, in his book, The Song of the Bird, narrates a story about the Sufi Bayazid: “I was a revolutionary when I was young and all my prayer to God was: ‘Lord, give me the energy to change the world.’ As I approached middle age and realized that half my life was gone without my changing a single soul, I changed my prayer to: ‘Lord, give me the grace to change all those who come in contact with me. Just my family and friends, and I shall be satisfied.’ Now that I am an old man and my days are numbered, my one prayer is, ‘Lord, give me the grace to change myself.’ If I had prayed for this right from the start I should not have wasted my life.”

It is a human tendency to remove the speck from the eye of our neighbour rather than first remove the log from one’s eyes. We love to criticize, correct, change and better the whole world without spending any effort on knowing ourselves and thus working on the areas which need change and growth. We are often reluctant to change ourselves because we spend a lot of energy and time changing others. The result of such restless endeavours is frustration, anger, and hopelessness. 

            We try to change others in many ways; some of which are as follows:

·       When someone hurts us by their words or actions we wage war in our minds for months and years thinking about how they could do to us what they did. 

·       We want people to think and behave as we do.

·       We want our children, members of our congregation, and friends to opt for the profession/apostolate that we like without considering the interests and gifts these individuals may have. 

·       We try to convince others that the foods we eat in our region are better than theirs.

·       When we seek the opinion of others, what we actually seek is their agreement with what we already believe. 

·       When someone points out our mistakes we get disturbed and try to find bigger faults in the one who points out our mistakes. 

To change is painful but not to change is more painful. Change is life and not to change is death. 

Let us realize the need for change in our lives. It is by changing ourselves that we can inspire others to change and grow.  

Notes

Mt. 7: 3-5, “Log in one’s eye.”

Anthony de Mello, The Song of the Bird, 1982

 

The Talking Mind

 

Lisa W Coyne, a senior consultant at McLean Hospital, Massachusetts, USA, observes, “Everyone has a mind that ‘talks’ to them. We think of this as our verbal mind or our ‘advisor’ …whose function is to serve as your threat detector”. 

Our advisor’s function is to help us avoid mistakes and dangers so that we are physically, emotionally and existentially safe. However, at times our threat detector over-functions and overestimates threats. It starts seeing a threat in very insignificant situations and even where there is none. 

Fear of being hurt or rejected can keep worsening our threat detector and damage the joy of our lives. Very often our advisor becomes our worst critic trying to push us unrealistically to achieve or to become the most perfect. Such a state is not healthy and often brings us misery. 

Our advisor can pop up nonstop negative thoughts in our minds and convince us that we are not good enough and that others are harmful. When malfunctioning, our inner advisor can start to persecute us and make us paranoid of others. In such malfunctioning, we can hear thoughts such as ‘you are not good enough’, ‘you are useless’, ‘you better die’, or ‘they hate me’, ‘they are plotting against me’, ‘they want to ruin my life’.

It can take years to understand our mind and to make our inner advisor a wise friend. Below are a few ways that initiate a journey of calming our talking mind.

 

1. Be Aware

           The first step towards having a healthy mind is to become conscious of what your inner advisor says to you. Notice whether your advisor criticises you or someone else. If your advisor looks contemptuously at you or others, then it is an indication that your inner advisor is malfunctioning.

 

2. Discern

           Evaluate what your inner mind speaks to you in a very objective and compassionate manner. Discern what is right, good, acceptable and kind in the instructions and advice of your inner mind.

 

3. Separate

           Remember you are not your inner advisor; you are more than that. Separate yourself from your inner advisor. You do not have to obey all the dictates of your inner advisor by default.

 

4. Not Now

           When you find your inner advisor nags you by telling you things which are wrong, unacceptable, and harsh, instruct your inner advisor to stop by stating ‘not now’. You may have to repeatedly disengage with your talking mind using the instruction not now as your threat detector can keep on sounding the false alarm. 

 

These approaches will get you started on the journey to make your inner advisor a wise friend.

 

Notes

McLean, 4 Ways to Stop Negative Thinking

The Power of Self-compassion

What Is Self-compassion?

           You cannot think of enjoying good self-esteem and overall well-being without making self-compassion an essential aspect of your life. Self-compassion has the power to heal your wounds and transform your life. 

Kristin Neff (2003a) defined self-compassion as:

Self-compassion, therefore, involves being touched by and open to one’s own suffering, not avoiding or disconnecting from it, generating the desire to alleviate one’s suffering and to heal oneself with kindness. Self-compassion also involves offering a non-judgmental understanding of one’s pain, inadequacies, and failures, so that one’s experience is viewed as part of the larger human experience. 

Self-compassion entails being kind to oneself, particularly when one experiences failures and imperfections. With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation (Neff).

Four Ways to Grow in Self-compassion

The importance of loving yourself cannot be undermined. Below find four ways to grow in self-compassion. 

Exercise 1: Find Reasons to be Self-kind

Start with trying to not hate or dislike yourself. Think of reasons why you deserve some kindness and patience (MHA). People deserve kindness, particularly when they get hurt or struggle with something, even when it is ‘you’.

Exercise 2: Avoid Self-labelling

In moments of failure whether in academics, profession, or interpersonal relationships liking yourself can be hard. One can irrationally scorn and blame yourself for all your failures. Self-contempt and blame can lead to labelling yourself negatively and vice-versa. Some harmful labels are ‘I’m a failure', ‘I’m stupid’, ‘I’m bad’, and ‘I’m useless/worthless’. Avoid them. 

Exercise 3: How Would You Treat a Friend?

How do you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when he or she is suffering? Treat yourself lovingly as you would treat a friend in pain.

Exercise 4: Exploring Self-compassion Through Writing

Everybody has something about themselves that they don’t like; something that causes them to feel shame, insecure, or not good enough. Write a letter to yourself about this issue from a place of acceptance and compassion.

 

 

Notes

Mental Health America (MHA), (2022), 2022 Back-to-School Outreach Toolkit

Kristin Neff, Self-compassion: Tips for Practice

Kristin Neff, (2003a). ‘Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself’. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.